Tag: work

The AWOL Mind

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If we were using weather to describe mood, this last week would have just about summed it up perfectly. As the storms arrived I went down a rabbit hole. I’m not one for describing how I feel online. Generally exposing myself like that is not always something that comes easily to me and in truth there are times I pour scorn on people who share their mood in social media posts. I should probably stop being so unfair on people crying out for help in such moments of desperation, it likely does nothing more than expose my own ignorance of mental health issues.

This has been an intense year. That is probably an understatement. In a way I am happy about how it has turned out, I took advantage of the new version of existence that came along. There are some things I would have liked to have done more of such as learning how to code but with all the work and the need to rest and procrastinate, I just ran out of time. Maybe less procrastination, or more efficiency with it. Can you efficiently procrastinate?

I always knew I would move on from here and I am fine with that because I have moved on from many places, I never saw this stop as a final one and it has already been about six months longer than had been planned. With lockdown any need to achieve or succeed, or create something or make money or do something or whatever self-induced pressures I put on myself evaporated. I had no choice but to stay in one spot and work with what I had. with options come pressures. I loved it and in a way I carried this on. However as it came time to wrap up this chapter I realised I had to step back out into this world and all the old fears and irrationalities, and ultimately all the stupid bullshit returned. For nearly two months now I have been working everyday on the pizzas and delivering bread three sometimes four mornings a week. You don’t sleep much in these circumstances and this simply exacerbates things. Throw in the fact me and my friend have a rather tempestuous relationship, it all seemed to come to a head this week.

If I were to say I lost my mind I would not be exagerating. I started to believe everyone was working against me, that they were trying to sabotage me. At one point one of the guys came down from the bakery to pick up some oven gloves from the cafe as they had run out up there. I wasn’t about and he took the best two pairs. In my mind he did this because it was all part of pushing me out. Looking back now it is almost comical but in that moment it was entirely serious. My body was tensing up, my neck still hurts and I was getting headaches. I have worked many seasonal jobs in the past which have been everyday for extended periods but they’ve rarely involved the mental stress of running things or maintaining personal relationships within the whole daily operation. It’s safe to say I now know my limits.

It’s also safe to say now the winds only signify change and the movement into something new. My friend suggested we stop the pizzas on Monday instead of continuing for two more weeks as originally planned. At first I took it in the same stride of paranoid lunacy I had previously been experiencing and planned on having it out with him when I next saw him. In the end with that being about two days later it was just a chat between two people who had been mates since they were eight years old. In that time I had already started to calm down but he had seen how much I needed a rest and he was right to suggest we stop. I’m grateful for him pulling me out of the rabbit hole because I doubt I would have been able to do it on my own without doing something overly dramatic and ridiculous.

Life is full of pressures. Some pushed upon us but many entirely of our own making. When we look in from the outside we can rationally understand were things need to change. If it is ourselves though, when it’s our own minds which seem to have gone AWOL being able to make sense of things can almost be an impossible act. It is time mentally for some recuperation. With the awakening of my senses this is already underway. The pressures are off and I can breath again. We rest, we recover, we take a step followed by another and we get on with it. We get on with what comes next. Something always comes next, how you experience it is up to you.

The Work Life Balance

Hamar Williams1 Comment

It’s a modern take on an age old struggle. How much are we capable of experiencing life and can we do this with the perfect amount of work. As is simple called, the work life balance. Although I’m sure I came across this before, my first real memory of being told I was about to experience a thing called a work life balance came when I was an English teacher in Athens. Teachers, like nurses, when passionate about their job have to give up far more of their time than the work manual suggests. There are people who like certain subjects and teach, and their are teachers who teach certain subjects. There’s a bit of a lazy cliche or moment of romanticism in there, the ideal of the passionate teacher, but I have experienced people who were born for the job. I recognised this because while I love teaching, that style wasn’t for me. While I needed work; I found myself with perhaps twenty-five hours a week spread evenly over six days. Throw in another ten hours for the planning and marking, more like three, and I should have had plenty of free time but somehow I didn’t. A morning class and then a few evening classes manages to take over your life. My work life balance was nothing more than an abstract concept.

Part of the training in the first week of term was on finding the perfect work life balance and what followed was a school run with what appeared to be the express intention of dismantling everything they had recommended. I was exhausted, I liked my students generally, but not the school and subsequently experienced Athens in a way that made leaving easy. Now I am experiencing a similar battle with this work life balance and am back to finding the whole concept bizarre. I’m working a lot and I’m exhausted but what I’ve realised is that what is ridiculous about the idea is that it creates a divide between the two realms of work and life. I have had some awful jobs over the years but people are capable of finding jobs they enjoy, they become part of their life. It doesn’t have to be the job itself, it could be the people you work with or even be your own business that you put your soul into. I see people working seven days a week and this is their life it’s not work anymore. They clearly don’t have a balance in the sense that would be idealised but they also clearly do have one for them. It would be too obvious to say that we just need to find something that suits us but it feels more likely that we evolve into or adapt to what becomes normal, we embrace that particular balance more than designing it to what we already know is good for us. I also know that’s entirely my perspective because I say that without a clue what would be something to aim for but there will be people out there who understand their needs enough. For me I just quite enjoy experiencing different versions of work life existence. I won’t be doing this forever and I’m sure I’ll stumble onto something one day. In the meantime I’ll just continue enjoying seeing the world through another persons eyes.

The Evolution Of The Elders

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Apparently one in five girls born now can expect to live to the age of one hundred. They will see the twenty-second century. For someone born in the twentieth century that is something I struggle to comprehend without my mind going all sci-fiction. Imagining it will be similar to what was expected in the year two thousand by those in the sixties is probably the easiest way to give you an idea. I could now go into wandering through the realms of possibilities but will resist the temptation. This is more about an ageing population.

We already have ageing populations in many parts of the world. If memory serves me then I think a populace needs two point one children born per couple for the population to maintain an average age capable of working, paying taxes and keeping society going. The idea of per couple sounds like a strange one considering relationships don’t quite work in that traditional way anymore but those statistics were perhaps created when it was more relevant. An ageing population is seen as a sign that in the long term a country will have serious problems but I wonder if this isn’t the wrong way to look at things.

The three phase life that has been the cornerstone of how people lived in the last hundred years is starting to look like a part of the past. The three phases are childhood education, working life and retirement. Childhood education is something that seems to be stretching into our twenties now. People seem less inclined to finish education and settle down into adult life instead waiting until they get into their thirties. Work life is no longer about working for one company your whole career or even one field the entire time. It is now far more common to jump from company to company as well as being possible to change careers in some cases multiple times. These two parts are I believe pretty obvious, people know this because they are living this. I am sharing no groundbreaking ideas.

What is worth addressing though is retirement and the role of people in society as they age. If populations are getting older, one thread that goes around is that the elderly are a drain on society. Does that miss possibilities though? We can’t afford to pay their pensions is a common one. The retirement age in the UK has gone up in the last few years and I imagine if we carry on like this and I make it that far it will have gone up a few more times before I become eligible. Modern medicine, improved diets and understanding of healthy living will keep people alive longer but we need to think about their quality of life. What this doesn’t mean though is improve their quality of life and flog them in the workplace until they – we – drop.

If people have worked for forty or fifty years, they may not physically be capable anymore but they offer something people of younger generations don’t have. There once was a time when communities looked to the elders for understanding and wisdom. They weren’t always viewed as a drain who should be put in nursing homes to wait for death. If we are going to have ageing populations, and people living longer who are unable to work and who after forty years have earnt the right not to, we need to find ways of including these people in a way in which they’re not viewed as a burden. To do this we need to stop viewing peoples worth and value through economic eyes and instead through community based compassionate ones. People of all ages have something to offer. The young can learn from the old just as the old can gain vitality and life from the young. We can see the differing values but first we must learn how. Maybe if we had less old people and more elders we may see a way how.

When Will Saturday Come

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It’s Saturday. Thought I would stumble out of bed a little hung over, not too much, just a enough to create edge. Have my breakfast which is more relaxed than the mid week one but fundamentally the same, I leave the dirty sexy breakfast for a Sunday. While eating plan all the semi-productive things I would like to accomplish for the day before leaving for the supermarket, ticking that off the list but being exhausted enough upon return that the list get scrumpled up and thrown in the fire which I made to sit in front of feeling like a wild man as the football results come in. Secretly I’ve quite enjoyed this lockdown, mainly because I’ve not really been locked down I imagine, but there are certain old habits and routines I miss. I enjoyed those semi-busy Saturdays. I long for the return of the football. And I’m currently not in the same house as the fireplace unfortunately. If that all sounds hard then don’t even get me started on the pleasures of a Sunday morning drinking coffee and reading the newspapers as my dog sits beside me and I’m surrounded by countryside. It’s pointless longing for things we cannot have but it’s good to be able to see the things we really value when they’re not there. I quite fancy a pint as well. Don’t give a shit about much us though. Although a holiday would be nice.

I miss my dog. She lives with may parents these days which is good for her because they live in the countryside and it forces them to go on walks everyday. People don’t appreciate the value of pets I don’t think. I can’t see her at the moment though because while I deliver food to my parents, I don’t let her see me because I won’t be staying and she won’t understand why I’m leaving so quickly after coming back. Poor girl. Poor me too. There are going to be some parties when this is all done. It’ll be a while until the pubs are open I reckon and people will be warned off getting together too much too soon but lets be honest, folk are going to go wild. We’re like school children at the best of times let alone when we’ve been stuck inside, away from everyone, sober and being healthy for what must feel like an eternity. I can’t wait for the outcry from the media, front pages of people having fun. Probably the same papers which will be a week earlier pushing for the end of restrictions. Theres nothing like a short memory.

I’m tired today. I was woken up early and now I need to go to work. I’m attempting to write this early now instead of tonight when I get in. It’s strange, sometimes late at night I get my best ideas. Maybe I should give up on being a morning person and accept life as a night owl. They usually seem happy. A little white and sickly maybe, but happy enough. But not tonight, this is certainly not going to be an old Saturday night. When I’m tucked up in my bed before midnight I guarantee there’ll be no nostalgia from me. I love you all. I’ll see you tomorrow. Fresh, awake, invigorated, just like an awful morning person should be.

Prioritise Dreams

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There was an article on the BBC today which I found very interesting in how it allowed for different perspectives of how we view society. The article discussed how the hopes and dreams of youths are at odds with the type of jobs that will be available to them. Apparently “five times as many seventeen and eighteen year olds in the UK want to work in art, culture, entertainment and sport as there are jobs available” and that equated to over half of those surveyed only wanting to work in this sector. Seemingly the industry that requires people the most is accommodation and catering, unfortunately for them they require seven times the number of students who expressed an interest, wholesale and retail appears to suffering from similar disinterest. According to this article, the report believes “young people’s career aspirations need to be constructively challenged”. The article then moves on to how certain young people potentially feel they cannot achieve career goals because of their gender, ethnicity or social-economic background.

Now this article can be viewed two ways I would suggest. On the one hand it can be seen that the youth of today need to embrace a little reality, that they won’t always be able to do the jobs they want, must stop being fixated with being either Instagram models or footballers – terrible gender stereotyping I know but humour me – but also not allow the barriers of their own existence to hold them back from a more serious career. On the other hand it appears that the majority of young people want an interesting, creative career in the arts and entertainment world, and not to be working as waiters or hotel cleaners. To completely dismiss the first idea would most likely expose a glaring ignorance about the realities of life for many people, “destined for disappointment” as the article put it, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t some truth in it. However what the article seems to not take into consideration, and this is understandable given the angle it is written from, is that if the young peoples desires “do not meet the demands of the economy” then perhaps the economy should not be the factor that dictates what work people do, perhaps society has it’s priorities wrong.

I would love to see the numbers of people wanting to be artists and musicians, over Instagram models and footballers, because that could change my perspective slightly. That is though my take on value in the creative arts world and I would be an ignorant man to not see the folly in that. There are many reasons young people will not get the jobs they want in life, but they don’t mention that perhaps these jobs just don’t satisfy people, maybe if people could choose they would not endure jobs that exist for no other reason than for the sake of existing, bring no real benefit to society or the earth, and are nothing more than ways to pay tax and kill time as we wait to die. Surely it needn’t be this way. Money, economics and business are not fundamentally bad things in their own right but misused and corrupted they lead to the real needs of people being either ignored or dismissed as childish dreams. We all dreamt of something when we were young though, why is we can never seem to remember our dreams?

Abre Los Ojos

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My existence at present is a difficult one. Well actually in many ways it is both easy and enjoyable but it lacks things which I am used to from past moments. I am currently working as a renovator, painter, handyman and all round dogsbody for a mate and the work is straightforward, as is my ability to be flexible in regards my working hours much to his constant frustrations. I have been at it now for the best part of two months and I won’t deny there is something very comfortable and enjoyable about this version of existence. The other day when returning from Cockermouth I even felt a senses of warmth and happiness as I got back to my place. This is not necessarily a new experience but is unique in that I can’t really think of a time I have ever lived alone properly in a flat for any extended period of time and then to have that feeling on top of it was very interesting to observe. I have agreed to stay for another three months until the end of February, but who know it may even end up being the end of March.

The issue then is my lack to appreciation for what this opportunity gives me. I may have just changed my mind while writing that one sentence. Ideally I would be continuing to read and learn things but I am forever too tired in the evenings. I can’t say I’m not being creative because I have so far managed to maintain this blog but certainly the fact that I have still not finished the first book I started when I arrived is frustrating. The reason I perhaps changed my mind though is that I just realised this life offers so many other things I’m overlooking. I’m gaining a great deal of knowledge on the more practical side of work and life. I could always do things but I’ve discovered painfully that I never really understood the theory behind why or what I was doing. Now I know a hell of a lot more than before. I also get the opportunity to have a stepping stone into living a normal existence instead of just being thrown into it straight from traveling. It is funny though, I’m thirty four years old and I can travel the world and deal with anything that comes up while doing so, but I need to take little baby steps when doing what millions of people do on a daily basis.

What a lucky boy I am. There is clearly so much to gain from this current situation. We miss so much around us when we become fixed and obsessed with something that we desire, we often miss what is right in from of our eyes.

Sunday

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Start with a wild assumption. For us Brits there really is something special about a Sunday. God’s official day of rest apparently and the one day of the week his minions get to join him. While the internet is a source of any fact desirable, accurate or not, the ninety seconds I half-dedicated to discovering the exact number of people not resting on Sundays wielded nothing, which means two conclusions can be drawn from what I have learnt so far. One being that people work on Sundays and two that I won’t be applying for any research positions anytime soon. From experience I can tell you there was a shop open this morning providing the newspaper to accompany my post-taking-the-dog-for-a-walk coffee. In that case while myself and God chilled out this morning, some of his devoted subjects, a certain number according to the internet, didn’t. Can we in that case really call it a day of rest? Is there such a thing anymore? Has there ever been?

A few years back I remember reading one of those ‘We’ve never had it so good…‘ articles which described the average work week of the average Victorian. Naturally any genuine point is long gone from my memory but as is the done thing I’ll paraphrase the ridiculous attempt at linking another time to the present with whatever my mind has made up about it since. Victorian workers used to work twelve hours a day seven days a week, or was it fourteen and six, but none the less they seemingly worked more than they didn’t. We are therefore lucky, don’t know how good we have it, should be grateful for being allowed the existence we’ve been gifted, and rude and ungrateful for desiring anymore liberty in our lives than we have been granted. That reminds me of a George Carlin sketch about rights, and I won’t quote him, more continue paraphrasing; they aren’t rights if they can be taken away and then something else which tied it all together and made it funny. But hopefully you get the point I’m very lazily attempting to make.

What a memory and work ethic I don’t have. Definitely not going to apply for any research jobs. I would never have survived in Victorian Britain. Anyway, isn’t it wonderful how technology has freed the people from drudgery and toil…I asked the lady as she gave me a newspaper in exchange for a handful of new gods.