Observations and Misunderstandings
A Quick Journey Through The Nonsense Of Thought
Well that was yesterday and it carried on it that vain. Then a party happened, we finally got back from whatever hilltop we found ourselves on and now I’m spending an extra day in Thessaloniki.
I definitely feel a bit old for this. And now a bit sore too.
Now my little corner of the boatyard is appealing more than ever before.
We get used to things. I’ve discussed habits probably as much as anything else on here but this is slightly different. This would be more about adapting. We adapt to our environment then. When we stay in one place or in one environment long enough it becomes normal and we find a way to at the very least survive. In the extreme you could have someone going from a position of power and wealth to one of poverty and subjugation, think of any successful class based revolution for example. If they didn’t end up getting their head chopped off, end up in front of a firing squad or find a way of smuggling themselves out of the country; there is a good chance they would have to either adapt to their new way of live or die. That then is an extreme example and for me right now I am as far from that as I can think. I have adapted to my surroundings though, my admittedly comfortable surroundings.
For me this adaptation has been more about a change in a way of life. Having spent ten years as a traveller living wild and being free – that is the version my romanticised ego would like to portray – I found myself in this little village by the seaside. It was only supposed to be a couple of months, the winter at most with spring bringing new adventures. There is no need to go over this years events but as I’ve previously discussed they have been habit changing to say the least. Now though I potentially change these new habits again and see whether further ones are created or old ones return. Today is Friday, on Sunday I leave my home by the sea.
Undoubtedly there has been a lot I’ve enjoyed about life here. I’m beside the sea and when not rammed with summer tourists it’s slow and chilled out. It is though a bit backwards and insular which is enough to push me away, but it has also shown me enough to imagine a new way of life is possible. There were many times in my past travelling in which I openly admitted to being exhausted and tired of constantly moving and packing but I also really enjoyed the discovery and constant new in front of my eyes. I’m still after all this time like a child when I see something previously unseen. This time has made me realise I am in my heart a wandering traveller. It has also made me realise how easily I could settle somewhere too given the right conditions. It’s all about balance apparently. This mythical never been seen or fully understood beast called balance. But you can’t have balance when you want it all.
As I pack my now enlarged pile of stuff I realise I am happy to move on while also not being entirely keen on the exhaustive side of this moving on. The stepping into the unknown excites and the prospect of being free is overjoying. As I would have discussed yesterday though had I not got distracted by Miley Cyrus, freedom is an entirely mental construct. We need to find freedom internally, allow the mind to accept the ever increasing randomness of existence and responsibly live in the moment. It doesn’t matter whether you’re stuck in the endless toil of menial labour or sailing the ocean. Admittedly one is probably easier to feel free in and we can do ourselves favours with the environment we exist in, but as I said, it’s how we approach existence that matters. One more moment before the next then in this constantly testing journey to free the mind. Maybe that would be a good habit to create. I already have the key after all. I could get used to finally being free. Just be careful not to want it too much.
It’s got to that point in life where I’m thinking of entering the cryptocurrency world. I’ve been given a hot tip and have been attempting for the last twelve hours to act on it. It turns out that buying cryptocurrency is not straight forward. I like things to be straight forward. It’s a complicated world too. Unless people are heavily into it people rarely know much or understand much about what it even is. I just like the idea that once bitcoin cost pennies and now they’re about nine thousand dollars each. Someone out there got stinking rich and is now swanning around having a lovely time. I would like that to be me.
It’s luck really. Unless you know the people who are creating these things and what their next step is, which is illegal of course and also no guarantee of success, then the likelihood is you’ll not make much or you’ll lose it all. They’re like penny shares and if the reward is high then surely the risk is even higher. Some may make a fortune but luck plays probably the biggest part of all. But then luck plays a huge part in all success in a way. Of course the adage that you make your own luck is accurate in many ways that doesn’t mean you’re ever fully in control, or potentially in control at all, of events.
I refer to success in making money in one particular way but this could relate to lots of things. Sports and music would be such examples. That isn’t to say the sports stars and musicians haven’t put in a ridiculous and almost obsessive amount of hard work and sacrifice because they will have but to deny the existence of luck and various events going their way fortuitously in undeniable.
I need some luck then. Am I a lucky person? I’m certainly not an unlucky person, I think I can cede that. Which means I must be lucky. Is there a middle ground? Well nothing is ever black and white so I’ll claim some variety of the middle ground once more. I do love the middle ground. There’s nothing quite like being indecisive. I think I wrote a piece on it months ago, something about the virtue of sitting on the fence. My memory tells me it was a good one. This may be less so but it is better than what I was originally going to write which was; “Tonight I am tired. I have been defeated”. Definitely an improvement. I try not to winge too much about not sleeping enough and working too much but I really need to stop averaging five hours a night. I’m used to doing seasonal work where you destroy yourself for six to eight weeks and then travel. This feels like it’s been going on since lockdown. The travel part really can’t come soon enough.
That’ll do for tonight. I thank you for your patience and your interest if you’ve made it this far. I’m off to bed.
There is a saying out there in the ether that goes along the lines of ‘no two people experience a moment the same way’. At about ten o’clock this morning I scribbled down ‘narrative confirming events & narratives to mould events’. Unfortunately the precise meaning of that seems to have slipped my mind in the time between but it was undoubtedly wise in one way or another. At this time I had just finished delivering bread having got up to do so about seven hours earlier and after three hours sleep having finished making pizzas late the night before. When people sleep this little, and what appears to be quite regularly these days, they have a habit of being a little grumpy and irrational. This morning was one of those days.
I can’t remember exactly what I meant but I think it had something to do with one of the people I was delivering to asking the annoying “Have you done this?” Have you done that?” despite the fact I always do this and that, and haven’t not once. I gave a pretty straight “Yes, no and I will” but really I wanted to let her know I didn’t appreciate her accusing me of not knowing how to do my relatively easy and straightforward job. Had I not been so tired and grumpy I suspect I wouldn’t have even noticed it as an issue but the mind can play tricks on you when it’s stretched.
This then was one version of an experience. Later as I drove away I mumbled to myself how she was rude and probably an idiot. This is most likely unfair and I suspect this is the case because I attempted to look at it from another perspective. Namely, hers. I remember when I was attempting to make a little sense of the world in my twenties I discovered the concept of compassion. To be able to experience compassion, one technique is to put yourself in the other persons position and view the event through their eyes. Maybe this is giving her an excuse and she was just being rude but perhaps there was a reason she was being so specific and direct with these questions. It is possible the other drivers haven’t always done these things requested but there is every chance she has been told by her boss to make sure of this and that, and she is stressing them to me because she knows she’ll get grief if they’re not done. Whether this is simply me giving her an excuse and letting her off I will never know. Also, she may have not even been that rude and I was just overreacting in my mind. Really though I don’t need to know because it doesn’t matter. The moment I thought that this may be a reason for her attitude my own anger towards her dissipated and I felt what can only be described as compassion. I had let go and the chain of negative emotions had been broken.
This was one moment and those were two ways to experience it. How narratives come into it is arguably less clear but most likely had something to do with allowing the idea that everyone and everything was out to annoy me. This shaped how I felt the situation unfolded and how I viewed it. It could be a good idea to write down a few notes alongside the main note for understanding purposes but one step at a time. I’ve been writing this blog so long and I can count the amount of times I’ve written notes like that on one hand. Still, there was something in there worth writing about I’m sure. I’ll keep my eyes peeled and try to spot a more suitable example for next time.
I accept they can often not be entirely relevant to what I have written of course but I still enjoy them. I have been procrastinating a little too much these last two days and this blog has felt like a chore. I stepped away from my computer about ten minutes ago after struggling with writers block and thought up a great title. I have subsequently forgotten it. It was really smart though and I was very happy with myself. It related to my inability to think of anything to write about and my inability to stop avoiding just writing.
This blog really is a journey. The initial excitement seems to have gone, as has the secondary excitement when I initially published my first piece after the first month. There have been some pieces I’ve been really happy with and some, I suspect like this, which I have just struggled through. I suggested a few weeks ago that I was looking forward to completing the year so I could just write two to three times a week but with quality. This idea tempts me. It is contrary to the initial challenge though and while I have written after midnight and I have regularly written more that the four hundred word limit, to stop writing a daily piece would challenge the very foundations of this blog. It is a challenge though but that is part of what this is as an experiment. Some days I will have only little time and others little idea, but then as I said I have written some pieces I’ve felt inspired by. These ups and downs are natural in anything of this kind of regularity, nobody can be interesting everyday.
There are possibilities that I need to crack back on with that discipline journey. Maybe it is just down to a lack of that. Certainly the fact I have spent the last hour looking at everything online but this blog, would suggest I have slipped slightly. I doubt I ever had the mental discipline to write something of well thought out quality daily but physically sitting down and just doing it never seemed too much stress. I must commend whoever has continued to read to this point, your dedication to struggle through to this point with me is commendable. It really has been a slog this evening and I still haven’t even thought up a title or looked at images to use. A sleeping man might do the trick for tonight. Maybe I should finish with a lullaby. Fuck it I’m off to bed.
Observations and Misunderstandings 