Tag: sleep

Permanent Seasonal Work

Hamar WilliamsLeave a comment

It’s got to that point in life where I’m thinking of entering the cryptocurrency world. I’ve been given a hot tip and have been attempting for the last twelve hours to act on it. It turns out that buying cryptocurrency is not straight forward. I like things to be straight forward. It’s a complicated world too. Unless people are heavily into it people rarely know much or understand much about what it even is. I just like the idea that once bitcoin cost pennies and now they’re about nine thousand dollars each. Someone out there got stinking rich and is now swanning around having a lovely time. I would like that to be me.

It’s luck really. Unless you know the people who are creating these things and what their next step is, which is illegal of course and also no guarantee of success, then the likelihood is you’ll not make much or you’ll lose it all. They’re like penny shares and if the reward is high then surely the risk is even higher. Some may make a fortune but luck plays probably the biggest part of all. But then luck plays a huge part in all success in a way. Of course the adage that you make your own luck is accurate in many ways that doesn’t mean you’re ever fully in control, or potentially in control at all, of events.

I refer to success in making money in one particular way but this could relate to lots of things. Sports and music would be such examples. That isn’t to say the sports stars and musicians haven’t put in a ridiculous and almost obsessive amount of hard work and sacrifice because they will have but to deny the existence of luck and various events going their way fortuitously in undeniable.

I need some luck then. Am I a lucky person? I’m certainly not an unlucky person, I think I can cede that. Which means I must be lucky. Is there a middle ground? Well nothing is ever black and white so I’ll claim some variety of the middle ground once more. I do love the middle ground. There’s nothing quite like being indecisive. I think I wrote a piece on it months ago, something about the virtue of sitting on the fence. My memory tells me it was a good one. This may be less so but it is better than what I was originally going to write which was; “Tonight I am tired. I have been defeated”. Definitely an improvement. I try not to winge too much about not sleeping enough and working too much but I really need to stop averaging five hours a night. I’m used to doing seasonal work where you destroy yourself for six to eight weeks and then travel. This feels like it’s been going on since lockdown. The travel part really can’t come soon enough.

That’ll do for tonight. I thank you for your patience and your interest if you’ve made it this far. I’m off to bed.

The Woes Of Newly Morning People

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My alarm went off at 6.30am today. I did this out of choice. I had the wonderful idea about thirty hours ago that I would become a morning person. This isn’t a new thing, it has been attempted before and judging by this being a new shot the previous ones evidently didn’t go to plan. Quite often the issue lies with my inability to go to bed early enough and is coupled with my need for a good eight hours, ideally nine. If I’m to wake at six, at the height of the summer I would be going to sleep while it was still light outside. Lets be honest that’s unlikely to happen.

One reason I have struggled to sleep earlier is my inability to switch off the technology before sleep. There are various stories out in the ether about how we should switch off phones at least an hour before sleep, or we should dim the lights so we have evening sensitive light but for me the issue lies with the fact it’s too easy to just stare at the phone in a trance when tired. Were you to be reading a book you may need to think a bit more, would get tired and sleep, but the internet is made up of short simple articles and pictures, include it’s ability to hypnotise you and the spell isn’t broken without force of some kind.

Last night though I slept at about midnight, about an hour later than planned but earlier than it could have been and has been. I crawled out of bed half an hour later than the alarm but managed to do some yoga and drink a cup of tea before starting work at 8am, a whole hour early. Today has been completely non stop and while I didn’t get all the things I wanted to do done it wasn’t down to idleness and wasting time which makes it in a funny way acceptable. However I’m still awake and it’s already gone 11pm.

I have probably averaged six to seven hours of sleep per night these last two weeks and I am tired. I’ve only had one morning of being a morning person yet I’m struggling to see myself getting up as early tomorrow and the original plan was 6am the second day. It’s the late nights, and it’s not even that late but it is for an early morning person. It can be so hard to change habits at the best of times but when that change of habit gives you bags under your eyes then you are really making it hard on yourself.

I know I’m not alone in this world though. There are plenty of fellow reprobates out there who have attempted all sorts of things but have been too open to temptation and given up after a few days. Even those disgustingly well groomed, healthy and happy people surely must give in to temptation from time to time and not just the temptation to be perfect. As I say this it makes me feel so pleased to be fallible and to accept my fallibility. If I don’t manage this then so be it, I’ll try again or I’ll try something else. But I’ll try. I’ve had the determined focus of someone capable of achieving things these last two days. I wonder if he’ll be around tomorrow too. He might just need to set the alarm a little later though. A semi-morning person perhaps.

A Tall Tree In A Dark Forest

Hamar WilliamsLeave a comment

I was lying in bed this morning feeling frustrated. I’ve not been sleeping as well as I usually do and that usual is to close my eyes and suddenly the alarm is going off nine hours later. I’m not sure why I’m not, but for whatever reason I find it understandably annoying. The frustration I suspect is like a wind that gives the fire oxygen but it’s a lack of something that’s the kindling.

I’ve led a reasonably interesting life so far, been to a few places and met many faces. I don’t really feel proud of it like it’s some accomplishment despite the positive response I get when I tell some people. There is certainly a lack of contentment and despite how it may appear I feel a constant drive to achieve things. I often see some of my friends or really successful famous people and I’m envious of their lives. They seem to have a success I don’t. Careers, homes, families and bank balances yet I’m thirty four and my instincts have rejected all of these things until now. In fact I still see the futility of some of them and I know the things they have sacrificed to achieve them, things I’m seemingly still unwilling to as I plan my next adventure. Can we adventure forever though? We can’t eat our memories, we can’t shelter under them and eventually we just become those repetitive old travellers others avoid because all they have is their stories. I don’t often tell my stories unless they come up as a relatable anecdote, I don’t want to be that person.

So why the frustration? I hope you don’t feel me to be self indulgent with this piece but it’s simply I know expressing thoughts like this can help others with their own thoughts. I’m not saying my thoughts are anything special but more that I’m not unique and we all suffer the same things just through different eyes. The frustration stems from a lack of something in life as I said. I’m not sure if it’s a home because I have one now and it’s great and safe but it’s not going to bring me happiness on it’s own. Maybe it’s a family? A wife and kids. Again I’m unsure of that, although I don’t doubt it would be nice to have a woman in my life. Perhaps it’s just wanting it all, or more precisely wanting an idea of how I imagine it’ll be.

I was thinking that for all the knowledge I’ve learnt over the years; meeting wise people, reading wise texts, experiencing moments of understanding; I still don’t seem to put much of this into practice in my own life. It would explain why it is still knowledge within and not wisdom. The only thing I’ve learnt is that unlike twenty five year old me I try to avoid giving wise enlightened advice or talking in that empty way people do when they think they know it all. I feel an immediate inclination to end the conversation, or I’ll carry it on but sometimes it just feels stupid. I know it can impress people, and you see people taking it in but it doesn’t feel real. Unless you start living it it’s just a series of empty words.

A series of desires about something we imagine we want and a series of empty words then. I know the rhetoric about contentment and desires but I’m not content and I still desire. I know the words that give the impression of a level of enlightened but I feel as far from enlightened as I’ve even been. This is the frustration then. Why what I know doesn’t correlate in any way to how I act. This is why I feel confident I can say this aloud and it will resonate with others, another thing I know is that others don’t act on what they know either. Perhaps it’s just part of being a fallible human. Perhaps we just need more than knowledge of words. This drive to achieve life, live it to whatever fullest version we choose. Again this is just an idea of a desire. I think I need to end this here because I can see myself going in circles. The answers aren’t attached to my tail. Maybe the answers aren’t attached to anything. Maybe there are no answers. Perhaps that’s what I’m missing, but what does that even mean? Just empty fucking words again.