Tag: pride

Think Quick Proud Man

Hamar WilliamsLeave a comment

I had an interesting interaction today and it made me think about how we instinctively respond to people and how we then spend the next hour fantasising about how we would like to have responded to them. In truth it wasn’t even a big thing and I didn’t really dwell on it but it reminded me of times in the past I have. I will explain what happened. At work I had to go and pick up something from one place and take it to another because they had run out, I won’t bore you with those details. When I asked for them the woman in the shop asked “Why?”, I said “because they had run out of them”, she then asked whether there were none at all in the stores and I confirmed there were none at all, she went and got them as she had a lot to spare. Quite a nothing conversation but she didn’t need to ask why or quiz me on whether there were any in the stores, I wouldn’t have asked for some if they hadn’t run out which seems obvious or if there were any in the stores, and her why was not necessarily friendly inquisitive but not overly rude either. I responded in my usually unthreatening way and I left with what I was after.

Afterwards however the mind takes over. It starts to point out that I didn’t need to explain myself or why I was after what I was after, and I wished then that I had said this to her. I then thought about people I know who would have responded in that manner and envied them, wondering what it was that made them capable of doing that and not me. Are people just quick thinking, are they permanently on the defensive, are they permanently on the attack, are they just prepared from past fantasies of their own. In the moment I didn’t even notice anything, it was just a normal interaction. I don’t go into situations defensively or aggressively and while I may fantasise and wish I pulled people up more often when they’re being rude, in the moment these things happen I rarely give an actual shit. I’ve heard it said that the ego takes over afterwards, that the true self is the person who responds in the moment. Maybe there’s some truth in that as it’s only ever my pride which whines and fantasises after events, it rarely exists in these moments as they happen. Or maybe it does and I’m just caught off guard. I’m evidently not an instinctive fighter always on alert though, and I don’t know if I want to be in truth. Anyway, enough of this, if I carry on about it too much I may just convince myself I am bothered and really what’s the point in that.

An Undignified Tip

Hamar WilliamsLeave a comment

I had an interesting revelation last night in the pub. It involved tipping. Now different countries have different rules towards tips or cultural approaches shall we say. The American version probably more well known than most. The Yankee gods of capitalism have created a system in which you are guilted into paying half the waiters wage on top of the meal or drink you’ve just ordered as you know they’ll be paid nothing otherwise. In parts of Asia tips are not part of the culture, I’ll never forget the two Canadian guys throwing tips around in Burma despite it being culturally not a done thing and then wondering why they were being over charged for other things. Mediterranean cultures vary but usually you leave a few coins as you feel. In Spain during the Civil War the anarchist trade union the CNT banned the use of tips and I never fully grasped the significance behind that until last night.

The barman in this little village pub was probably in his fifties, went about his job without any fuss and certainly without flair in line arguably with the pub itself. Happy hour had finished fifteen minutes earlier but he decided anyway to give me the happy prices for the two pints, which he didn’t need to but went out of his way to do anyway. From the coins I gave him I was due fifty pence back in change but I found this issue of whether I should let him keep it as thanks for the prices a difficult one. He was a man and I was a man, but it was more that we were two blokes, by tipping him it would demean him, and there seemed to just be something unspoken that this would be an affront to his dignity. Certainly the village pub atmosphere played a part, but I may have given a woman or younger man the change in that situation. It is also possible that it was purely this guy in particular and the energy that he gave off but it allowed for an experience and understanding that was original and unique for me.

There is something about the word undignified that makes me uneasy, it seems somehow snobbish and pretencious, but there is something about being tip hungry that seems fitting for such a word. Of course anyone, including myself, who has worked in hospitality will have at some point sniffed out a tip. As I said though I don’t care much for dignity, I’ve never lacked the version that without would dehumanise and subjugate, and have never allowed pride to prevent me acting as I feel, unless I’m too proud to admit it now of course. In Republican Barcelona people were achieving self-determination breaking the bonds of a previous life without dignity. To accept tips would have been to accept your position as a second class citizens in a hierarchical society again. The village pub in northumberland is not anarchist antifascist civil war Spain and this isn’t about proud dignity either. Times have moved on from then but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn a little from the past and see how it can relate to the present; man to man et al.

Impractical Me

Hamar WilliamsLeave a comment

Today has provided me with an interesting lesson. It all began with me deciding to construct myself a bed. I currently have a mattress and while I have slept on many directly on the floor and continue to neither mind nor give a shit, there is a part of me that is attempting to become more of what some may describe as a normal human being. That seemingly in my eyes involves having a actual bed.

I have access to a random mismatched pile of planks and beams, and in my mind am on par with Jesus in my abilities to work with wood. Several years ago I took an eight week carpentry evening course at at the local college. This may sound impressive but it was only one night a week and for various reasons I was only able to attend four classes. I did in that time though learn a little about joints and managed to construct quite a beautiful basket for my dog. She still appreciates it today. I decided then to put some of these skills of mine into practise and what I discovered was that I am no Jesus. My excuse if that the wood was all oddly shaped and of varying quality and a jigsaw power tool would have been ideal, my handsaw was not great for the finer work, neither was my clumsy and lazy use of a chisel. Theoretically I know exactly what to do but in practise it turned out to be anything but.

Getting back to my house with everything and ready to construct the pre cut by me pieces together, I received a phone call from a friend who had a bed for me if I wanted. Would it be a waste of a day to simply take this bed and discard all my hard work. I’m pretty proud of what I created, imperfections and all, but this bed is better. To proudly display my hard work and experience the achievement of completion or to put aside my pride and just embrace easy and better. I know what I’m going to do but I am unable to decide what is a better approach for my personal development, not that that is even what it’s all about of course.

Anyway with that more or less done, next on the list is sourcing some curtains, I’m sure the neighbours have seen enough. Maybe I can find a small tree, hollow it out and cut it into hoops for the rings before crocheting the cloth. That sounds like a typically practical and easy approach to this new desire.