Tag: paranoia

The AWOL Mind

Hamar WilliamsLeave a comment

If we were using weather to describe mood, this last week would have just about summed it up perfectly. As the storms arrived I went down a rabbit hole. I’m not one for describing how I feel online. Generally exposing myself like that is not always something that comes easily to me and in truth there are times I pour scorn on people who share their mood in social media posts. I should probably stop being so unfair on people crying out for help in such moments of desperation, it likely does nothing more than expose my own ignorance of mental health issues.

This has been an intense year. That is probably an understatement. In a way I am happy about how it has turned out, I took advantage of the new version of existence that came along. There are some things I would have liked to have done more of such as learning how to code but with all the work and the need to rest and procrastinate, I just ran out of time. Maybe less procrastination, or more efficiency with it. Can you efficiently procrastinate?

I always knew I would move on from here and I am fine with that because I have moved on from many places, I never saw this stop as a final one and it has already been about six months longer than had been planned. With lockdown any need to achieve or succeed, or create something or make money or do something or whatever self-induced pressures I put on myself evaporated. I had no choice but to stay in one spot and work with what I had. with options come pressures. I loved it and in a way I carried this on. However as it came time to wrap up this chapter I realised I had to step back out into this world and all the old fears and irrationalities, and ultimately all the stupid bullshit returned. For nearly two months now I have been working everyday on the pizzas and delivering bread three sometimes four mornings a week. You don’t sleep much in these circumstances and this simply exacerbates things. Throw in the fact me and my friend have a rather tempestuous relationship, it all seemed to come to a head this week.

If I were to say I lost my mind I would not be exagerating. I started to believe everyone was working against me, that they were trying to sabotage me. At one point one of the guys came down from the bakery to pick up some oven gloves from the cafe as they had run out up there. I wasn’t about and he took the best two pairs. In my mind he did this because it was all part of pushing me out. Looking back now it is almost comical but in that moment it was entirely serious. My body was tensing up, my neck still hurts and I was getting headaches. I have worked many seasonal jobs in the past which have been everyday for extended periods but they’ve rarely involved the mental stress of running things or maintaining personal relationships within the whole daily operation. It’s safe to say I now know my limits.

It’s also safe to say now the winds only signify change and the movement into something new. My friend suggested we stop the pizzas on Monday instead of continuing for two more weeks as originally planned. At first I took it in the same stride of paranoid lunacy I had previously been experiencing and planned on having it out with him when I next saw him. In the end with that being about two days later it was just a chat between two people who had been mates since they were eight years old. In that time I had already started to calm down but he had seen how much I needed a rest and he was right to suggest we stop. I’m grateful for him pulling me out of the rabbit hole because I doubt I would have been able to do it on my own without doing something overly dramatic and ridiculous.

Life is full of pressures. Some pushed upon us but many entirely of our own making. When we look in from the outside we can rationally understand were things need to change. If it is ourselves though, when it’s our own minds which seem to have gone AWOL being able to make sense of things can almost be an impossible act. It is time mentally for some recuperation. With the awakening of my senses this is already underway. The pressures are off and I can breath again. We rest, we recover, we take a step followed by another and we get on with it. We get on with what comes next. Something always comes next, how you experience it is up to you.

Corona Krueger

Hamar WilliamsLeave a comment

So we’re all going to die from the flu. Well not quite but this appears to be the latest exciting thing for people to get themselves into. I woke up this morning feeling a bit ill and I had a sore throat, perhaps something happened in my dreams. I thought I may have been infected with the Coronavirus. I suspect there’s a good chance I haven’t but it’s interesting to see how hysterical fear has managed to grip even the most disbelieving and disinterested of us. I am not saying it isn’t real, I am not saying it isn’t dangerous. I have seen the points made about how more people have died this year from the flu than Corona and I have also seen stories saying how those figures don’t reveal the whole story. Seemingly only older people are at serious risk but then also there seems to have been plenty of younger ones dying from it. I don’t really worry about catching it myself but I do worry about my parents and that last part is a real fear not just paranoia.

There are plenty of conspiracy theories out there about it being an accidental release from China’s only biological chemical disease laboratory which just happens to be in Wuhan where it originated. It is very tempting to find some credibility in this slightly coincidental event, just as it was coincidental that Britain’s only laboratory of similar ilk that happened to produce Novichok just happened to be very close to Salisbury where the Russians supposedly used it on their traitorous spies. There was once a time when I got excited and caught up with these kinds of things but I don’t now. Although let’s be honest there is something totally suspect about what happened on 9/11 or 11/9 as we call it here. Many believe these things to be true and if you’re inclined to there will always be plenty of evidence to back it up but also there will be plenty of evidence the other way if you’re not. It doesn’t really matter to me and it’s pointless getting excited about theories like this as you will simply never know and it doesn’t change anything anyway. People will live and die regardless. They did a good piece on the radio this morning about the conspiracy theorists pushing claims and it was the kind of dismissal that people would laugh along with if they didn’t believe conspiracies and if they did would be able to use as part of the propaganda cover up.

There was also quite an amusing piece on the same radio program in which they had loads of people talking about hygiene and what they are now doing. It was a wonderful opportunity for people to confess to the usual lunacy of their hygienic hypochondria because they had finally found a safe space to come out in. They all seemingly felt the need to stress they’re not crazies suffering from bacteria phobia even though they usually carry around hand sanitiser and never touch banisters or escalators without it, god forbid a lock in a toilet. A long list of potential bacteria filled opportunities was bowled out with not a single one ever thinking there may be no point to their behaviour because clearly it’s impossible to escape germs. I’m not sure if any of them have ever heard of an immune system.

Clearly I think this is all hysterical and am liable to have a laissez faire attitude to events. I also believe it is very real and people are liable to catch it and suffer, die even, so my aim is not to belittle something deadly. Scotland has just had it’s first patient with the papers rubbing their metaphorical hands in gleeful delight at what’s to come. I know I won’t be happy when I get stuck in lockdown somewhere and try to ignore the little monster at the back of my mind saying it’s all just a rehearsal for when they announce martial law and the death camps. It’s so easy to be distrusting of power especially when it has only ever represented reactionary morality in the past. Apparently they’re trying to calm everyone for the sake of the stock markets, isn’t it wonderful when priorities are exposed by emergencies.

It’s times like this that I’m reminded of a lovely childhood rhyme that was once culturally relevant –


One, two Corona’s coming for you,
Three, four you better lock your door,
Five, six grab a crucifix…

God will save the day, she always does.

Trumps Misery

Hamar WilliamsLeave a comment

I was thinking a little more about what I said yesterday about why people act in ways seemingly detrimental to others, such as assassinating a leader despite the inevitable risks of what will follow. I mentioned Donald Trump and how he just wants to be happy and I will elaborate on that further. It is also worth mentioning the two big events coming up in American politics which could explain why such aggressive and dangerous actions in search of happiness were undertaken.

Firstly there is nothing quite like a war to give someone a boost in the polls ahead of an election. Trump himself warned Barack Obama was going to attack Iran just prior to the elections in 2012 so as to boost his chances of re-election. It’s a time honoured tradition by leaders and it appears Trump has simply fulfilled his own premonition with the 2020 election coming up. Secondly there is the small issue of him being impeached. While invading a foreign country, going to war or just making the move they did will not make impeachment proceedings go away, they will certainly draw some of the attention away from them. Theres the old adage of look for what they’re not reporting and it’s very easy to hide some bad news with something exciting, triumphant and reportable, it certainly takes the heat away from his current ordeal at home.

None of that takes away from my statement that he just wants to be happy because both of these incidents if played out as he would desire should give greater opportunity for some element of happiness in his life. However it is never as simple as that and it’s now that we try to find a way to describe that approach to life while avoiding using words like wrong or unacceptable, as ultimately that is my version of morality and a discussion on some kind of universal morality is probably best saved for another time. Such behaviour though is certainly selfish, self-serving and uncaring. If somebody acts in a way which is uncaring and destructive then it is not far fetched to suggest they are born out of anger and unhappiness. Trump may just want to be happy, which is looking compassionately at his actions, but if it is the negative emotions inside of him driving his actions then it will only lead to further negative emotions for himself and others no matter how much happiness and gold he believes lie in wait. Actions like yesterdays assassination are nothing more than another moment in the perpetual cycle of misery for people like this. While that may be his trip, the problem as is clearly evident, is that when someone on such a bad trip holds such power, it is impossible for us not to be dragged into it and into his reality. Unless we can separate ourselves, difficult though it is, our search for happiness will involve nothing other than being dragged into a world of fear, paranoia, misery and pain, because make no doubt about it; that fat cunt has it all.