I think I’m suffering from a little stress. I won’t say what but I’ve been working on a little project recently and it should have it’s first day on Friday. There’s stuff still to arrange and what I have so far I don’t think is good enough. Humour me because I’m clearly not giving away any information. Anyway today I have been in the most ridiculous mood. I nearly lost my shit in the bank because I was trying to set something up and despite this thing being through the bank the two women had never heard of it. I wasn’t rude to them because what’s the point and also I must admit I forgot some of the information I was supposed to bring, internally though I was smashing the place up. I let it all out once back in the car. Genuinely I was quite surprised at how pissed off I was. What is obvious is that I was just angry with myself for being stupid and not bringing the necessary paperwork but even then I was surprised at the level of anger I felt even when I was fully aware it was against myself.
I’ll be the first to admit that in the last ten plus years I’ve only had a handful of stressful situations. I never found travelling difficult because there was always a solution. It’s situations in which I would be on show and could mess up that would be the worst. Exams for example. This thing starting on Friday though is important but not especially. I’m not even sure what I’m stressing about really or why I’m getting myself in such a state if it’s not stress. I just don’t know how people manage to deal with stressful situations. You hear about ways people manage it but I don’t really know my way. Maybe thats the problem, I lack a way. I once thought meditation would be good but I never stuck at it. People drink or smoke but probably best if I avoid that route. Maybe I just need to get a boxing bag and sweat it out, that could work, it’ll have a duel function too.
The strange thing is I can’t really describe what it is I really mean by my reaction or whether it’s stress. I don’t really get flustered and usually I manage to do what I need to do relatively straightforwardly but I’ve been on an rampage mode today all the same. It also hasn’t allowed me to actually focus and carry out the necessary tasks I needed to do even though I feel in my mind if I just sat down and focused on them I could bash it out. As I say this I wonder then if it is a case of using the energy, learning to harness it. This out of control monster is simply the result of out of control energy. I have the energy and the desire for the project but the mind lacks focus, the mind is not in control. Perhaps then my way will involve me learning how to manage the wild energy, is that the way though or is that finding a way to find a way. Circles again. I just need to find a harness for that dragon. Easy.
Observations and Misunderstandings 