flights – Observations and Misunderstandings

There is something incredibly satisfying about making plans. I have never fully worked it out but I suspect like I mentioned a couple of days ago it is all about taking ourselves out of the present and into some dream fantasy land. Perhaps this could be a slight continuation of the other piece although I’m lazy to reread it to check, but I’m sure it mentioned not being in the present and I remember something about happiness just being around the corner. In a way this then is exactly a continuation piece because plans are nothing more than imagining a future event we would like to happen which surely, unless there is a specific reason, is going to be the best possible version that could happen. When we plan do we imagine ourselves happy, I would have always thought everyone does but then I know from conversations or more precisely; slightly argumentative debates, that I misunderstand depression for example. When people suffer from depression, or specific types of depression, do they imagine a future event happening with either a negative outcome or them being unhappy in that future moment. If so there must be no escape.

For me I have always imagined myself positively, or at least I assume I have. Do I imagine I’m imagining myself positively but relatively I’m actually imagining neutrally. Relative to what though. What if I am just imagining myself neutrally and that is what I base every present moment against, does that make my life nothing more than neutral. What is the base level, the fantasy or the present reality as our skewered eyes view it. There are no answers for that right now but I am planning on observing my own thoughts and how I place them on a scale of success. What is the outcome of that, am I imagining myself succeeding in these observations or am I left confused and clueless at the end. If I’m honest I imagine myself somewhere around seventy percent successful, which is a little miserable considering it’s my own fantasy, although probably realistic. The pragmatism of old age.

Is that better though. To have a plan for some future event which you are in your mind being realistic about. Perhaps this is just something we work out through experience but then that also means I only aim for seventy percent success. Should I aim for one hundred percent and potentially be disappointed, or will that higher aim actually result in me getting eighty or even ninety percent success, not what I aimed for but higher than my so called ‘realistic’ but which is now looking like a defeatist target. And if the depressed person expects to fail but has a little success higher than they expected does that bring them positivity or do they just view that through the prism of depression. Does that prism create a failure in observations. In truth I do not know. And also in truth it appears I am going off tangent from my follow up about being present and making plans to loads of nonsense questions and getting confused about depression.

I was going to tell you all about my lovely plans for the summer and how they’re probably going to change because everyone is going to be in quarantine soon and all flights will be grounded. It was going to be on the futility of planning and it ends up being nothing more than escapism from the present but all I can do is leave you with what this was going to be and try and digest some of those confusing questions I asked myself. I can’t even remember what I was supposed to be observing now. Something about success rate and being realistic I think, well there’s no harm in dreaming.

I will attempt to write this without sounding like some arse who just wants to boast about all the wonderful adventures I have. It is simply an attempt to give a little background to the person whose words you are hopefully enjoying reading. The reason for this is that today I have arrived in Dublin for a Christmas with relatives over here and I realised I am back abroad again despite the fact I thought I was done with it for this year. Over the last ten or so years I have traveled pretty intensely, convincing myself I’m stopping but ultimately just taking a break. This year I started in Scotland before following this route – Spain – Gibraltar – Spain – Italy – Scotland – Ireland – Scotland – Ireland – Spain – Ireland – Scotland – Sweden – Estonia – Finland – Sweden – Scotland – Australia – Scotland – Spain – England – Ireland – Scotland? Each stay was for a variety of lengths and mostly they were for living, sailing, stag partying and family holidays. It has been quite the year, my carbon footprint must be massive despite the fact I sailed between many of them. Australia alone is the equivalent carbon that I can be allotted for my entire years consumption were we to successfully avoid a two degree rise and ultimate human doom. I don’t regret any of these trips even though it means I am certainly part of the problem. I once spent two years not flying, my high point was the overnight train from Paris to Madrid but I’ve made no attempt to repeat that period of ideological superiority and I don’t mind.

The point is I travel a lot, and after the last trip to Spain I thought I was finished for the year. The question is, will I ever finish. I’ve had many conversations with people who tell me that I am so lucky to be living such a great and free life, and I wince and suffer, I try to explain I’m tired, want some normality and can’t stop despite wanting and being desperate to. And then I’m off again, and so happy in the adventure and discovery once more. For this is a life worth loving but one I can’t bring myself to love anymore until I’m doing it again, or fantasising about such things. People experiencing normality want adventure, and people with constant adventure seem to want normality. What a ridiculous species of monkey we are.

And then I went and got distracted, and drunk…and now I’m drunk. I should leave it there I’ll finish it properly tomorrow.

Tag: flights

Do We Plan Positively?

Movement