Tag: fear

Instinctively Morbid Curiosity

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Two ambulances just raced past my window. If this were a busy city and not a seaside village, and if it had been just one ambulance and not two, I would have thought nothing of it. Two ambulances racing passed in a slightly out of the way spot raises the curiosity alarm. Are they heading towards the beach? If so you’d imagine there would be a coastguard follow close behind, but maybe the coastguard is already there. Perhaps there’s been a crash on the road, even though there are small and slow roads around here idiots still treat it like there’re in a rally that only they know about. I’m sure there are endless possibilities and I should stop this bizarrely morbid curiosity i’ve got going on. We’re strange though human beings, we do want to know. We want to know what has happened. We want to jump in our cars and follow them. We want to drive by and slow down under the pretence of driving carefully and respectfully passed the incident even though we forget the road and don’t once take our eyes off the scene. I drove passed a fresh accident in Portugal once, the body of a once living, talking and breathing human being was just lying there beside the road in the rain with a white sheet over it. I won’t forget that scene, it also makes me slightly less tempted to drive slowly passed any other accidents. But I still will because I’m curious and human.

I suspect it is probably related to some survival instinct within us. The same thing that leads us to search out for the bad news instead of the good. We want to know what the danger is. Perhaps those two ambulances just raced off to an incident which I should know about because knowing about it will in some way help me to stay safe. Perhaps it’s part of some snowballing incident which I must see so I know to get out of it’s way. Most likely not but something instinctive within me wants to know and there is always a rational explanation we can use if we want to take the fun out of anything. It is far more satisfying to imagine we’re somehow uniquely curious beings, alone with our Sherlock Holmes levels of observation, understanding and discovery. But we’re probably not. We’re just scared animals wanting to know if what we just saw may in any way lead to something that could hurt us, or something that we could learn from so to prevent ourselves one day hurting ourselves in the same situation. Having broken it down slightly it does make me feel silly for wanting to jump in my car and follow them. Let’s be honest it’s pretty ludicrous behaviour. It’s so unfortunate that my instincts are therefore irrational. But irrational keeps us alive then. Or maybe not. I’m sure I can probably work out a rational argument to disprove that either way.

We Have A Trac(k)ing App

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How exciting. We have a contact trac(k)ing app. Do you see what I did there? As if this whole pandemic wasn’t contentious enough they’ve only gone actually released the app that tracks everything you do. Well not quite but it’ll know where you’ve been, who you’ve met and what consistency your last poo was. Trust in government has been eroded to such an extent that there is justifiable fear of something which has the potential to save lives. If everyone downloaded this app and used it as recommended, it would most likely stem the infection rate. But then so would testing everyone and providing nurses with PPE, and despite their attempt at creating an imaginary world in which that has been happening, they have instead not fulfilled their end of the social contract. It’s down to us yet again because our leaders are an unfortunate mix of incompetent and corrupt. Incompetent at doing the job we request of them but highly competent at their actual one of being corrupt.

“Downloading the app will save peoples lives” says a Health Secretary who routinely shows he doesn’t give a shit about peoples lives but tries to guilt the populace because he knows generally we do. Fuck him, but it’s not about him. Am I selfish for not downloading this app. I don’t know. I have no answer for that because I guess it depends upon how much of a real danger you believe people are in. Does that trump the very real danger of corrupt authority? Probably not and that’s the overriding argument for me.

And I’ve still not heard talk of what I believe to be the elephant in the room. Hypothetically, what would happen if you downloaded the app, discovered you had crossed paths with someone who has the virus, were instructed by the app to quarantine for seven days but didn’t and someone you then crossed paths with in the supermarket potentially caught it off you and died. Surely that’s manslaughter, or at the very least some kind of negligence. Someone died because of you actions. What is the legal liability? It’s not enough to say people should know better, or right from wrong. Are there legal protections? Are people blindly entering a situation in which they’re risking committing a crime and having it recorded. It would be a criminal offence and at the very least the family of the deceased could take you through the civil courts. This seems like something people should be discussing. This could become a very real issue.

Let’s be honest though, governments and bored teenagers in their bedrooms have been able to follow your movements for years through your phone. The idea that we’re not being tracked is naive. Most people have their location services on and those who don’t can still be followed if people want it enough. That’s nothing new, though risks like this are and maybe I’m being selfish but fuck that, I am not entrapping myself because I was desperate for toilet roll. It’s not what being a responsible member of a grown up and mature society would do though, but that’s not realistic as I’m neither responsible nor is society grown up and mature. At least we’re all going down together.

A Ramble On Death

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I was watching a video this morning on Facebook, on what I can’t remember; a telling indictment of the zombie social media turns us into. I do remember at one point some footage came on of men in the First World War. It was coloured footage which I always find really fascinating because it makes old film real and relatable in a way black and white can’t be. The Great War was from a time past and those involved have all died now. I haven’t checked it but I seriously doubt there is anyone left. You know you’re looking at dead people, they’re younger than I am now, but there time has been and now they’re dead.

I’m not obsessed with death, it doesn’t fascinate me in some morbid way and I once used to dismiss it in that way people do when they’re young and like to pretend they don’t give a shit about anything. That doesn’t mean either that I’m about to tell you all I’m scared of death but I am trying to understand it. I am trying to understand it because it plays a huge part in our behaviours as a species. We’re aware consciously of our own existence and as a result our own deaths too. Are we alone in this awareness? One day all this is just not going to be there.

This idea of nothingness is hard to comprehend. Imagine you go to sleep and that feeling of deep sleep is what you will be experiencing for eternity, except you don’t experience deep sleep consciously, arguably we don’t even exist in those moments. How then can we imagine not existing. We try to imagine something we have little empirical understanding of and it’s impossible. This is almost scarier than death itself, which kind of isn’t scary at all.

These soldiers were living in their time. This is the thought that inspired me to start this ramble on death. Why do we fear getting old and dying. These people, that was there time and they lived it, they got old and were replaced by other people living their experience of time. This is my time now and I need to live it because one day I will have to let it go and I want to do it with a smile on my face, content. Not content that I lived life to the max or whatever slogan you can come up with, but just content in the knowledge that now my time is up and it’s time for others to take over. There are plenty out there who are like that and plenty who can’t let go. It’s fear ultimately. Fear of stepping into an unknown time in life, closer to the ultimate unknown. I’m just curious, if I’m lucky to live that long of course. And also, in a way, if we’re to understand death do we first need to understand life? Certainly there’s an order to these thing and maybe with some kind of understanding comes a form of acceptance. It’s especially interesting because, in a way, there are no answers and what’s more powerful than that.

The Comfort Blanket Of Conspiracy

Hamar Williams2 Comments

Conspiracy theories are such a comfort. I was chatting with my Mum the other day and telling her how there is something about this whole Coronavirus pandemic that just makes me feel suspicious, there’s something not right and I can’t work out what it is. This unease could be attributed to numerous things but I have been putting it down to the fact that certain things just don’t make sense. I mentioned previously how we’re not looking at the whole picture in relation to statistics. The extraordinary numbers of deaths attributed to vehicles, alcohol, smoking and suicides which occur on a daily basis dwarf this virus yet they’re barely discussed with anything near the urgency we’re currently experiencing in the national dialogue. I also have a healthy distrust of my government, any government come to think of it, and the mainstream media which I have mentioned previously as well as implied regularly. With this in mind it is easy to see how I may be inclined to believe some of the ideas going around online about the real cause or nature of this pandemic. What dawned on me mid conversation though was that perhaps I couldn’t find something credible to pin this distrust upon because actually this virus has no underlying manipulator, it just exists, and it’s existence is uncontrollable.

So let me explain how that last point relates to the first. Conspiracy theories are a comfort because they make sense of events that ordinarily would bring uncontrolled confusion and danger to our lives. What I mean by that is that if we believe there are puppetmasters controlling the spread of this virus or controlling the media manipulation of a non-existent virus, we can find an entity that we know such as government, the deep state, the Chinese, et al and blame them. We may still be powerless, let’s be honest, but at the very least we know our enemy and once we know something it immediately becomes less scary. Ultimately the unknown plays an enormous part in most of if not all our fears, we are scared of what we don’t know because it could be dangerous, it is an instinctive animalistic response. If this virus is not being manipulated by someone it is uncontrollable, that makes it unknown and this version of the reality we create is far more fearful than the comforting one of deep state manipulation.

It is probably important to mention that I dislike the term conspiracy theory because it is used in a derogatory way to belittle an idea which runs contrary to the official story. I use it in this piece for the sake of understanding. It is as dangerous to dismiss all conspiracy theories as it is to accept all of them, or to accept all official theories. That should be obvious though. It should be obvious too that there are some official versions of events which are clearly untrue; think the assassination of JFK or the ludicrous attempts to pass off the hole filled story of the World Trade Centre attacks. There are also though the utterly bizarre such as that we live on a flat Earth or are ruled by a race of reptilian overlords. This last one is interesting because it is a perfect example of finding order within the disorder of existence; all these bad things that happen in this world are down to a race of evil reptiles, not because human beings are a complex irrational species capable of the unexpected and unacceptable.

This isn’t of course to say those with access to power are not going to take full advantage of this virus at any opportunity. We’ve already seen governments push through draconian security and spying legislation, rich party donors are lining their pockets all under the guise of saving lives, the wealthy traders are watching in glee as the economy crashes waiting for their opportunity pick at the carcass of once viable businesses. It is comforting to think all of this is controlled though because that is what we can understand. If it is controlled it is less likely to indiscriminately hurt us or our loved ones and it will have an end point. It is vitally important to indulge in a healthy amount of scepticism but at some point it may be worth throwing off the security blanket of conspiracies and seeing the world for the disorganised, irrational and unknown place it is. As is life.

Creativity Takes Root

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I’m really enjoying all the creativity people are coming up with while in isolation. I just watched the most remarkable video of a man in a leotard dancing in his garden. Without the virus that moment would never have happened. I was tagged in a live music show this evening, which I only discovered afterwards unfortunately but enjoyed listening to it after the event. Another friend shared her sisters morning fitness class as she is a personal trainer which will give people some much needed exercise and hopefully some new habits. People have already started to put works of art up.

It is early days and people may still be in the excitable fun stage of isolating but for now they seem to be doing all the right things. In time lets see how it goes as they start to suffer from seclusion but the videos coming out of Italy show that even after weeks and an horrendous situation they are still on their balconies singing. There was a video of someone playing Bella Ciao with a saxophone from their balcony which raised a smile. People are worried, scared, bored and in some cases alone but they have found the drive to produce, to share, to inspire.

There is something about being human that shows how well we can adapt to circumstances when we need to. We may be a bunch of soft snowflakes and tough right wingers who both seem to take offence in equal measure but when it comes down to it we seem capable of getting on and surviving when we have to. It is early days potentially and we’re expecting another couple of months of this, fatalistically just waiting…maybe I’ll write about that tomorrow though…but even with that hanging over our heads we find the spirit just to carry on. People shouldn’t be out and about of course but it’s amazing that those who are seem to be smiling and laughing with each other. The initial shock has passed and we’re just getting on with it.

If it’s possible to remain objective within all of this then it would be incredible just to sit and observe how people’s mood as a collective has changed and evolved until now and will do over these next few months. But I’m not objective let’s be honest, I am viewing this through my very own eyes mixed with and confused by a certain combination of fear, bravery, bravado and ignorance that keeps me getting out of bed in the morning and through the day; being happy when I’m happy and sad when I’m sad. Crisis brings people together but it also reminds us while we may have our differences, our base instinct, feelings and emotions are all pretty similar. Carry on people, stay indoors if you can and keep on performing. Keep us all sane and keep us smiling.

The Covid-19 Miracle

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Times of crisis expose reality for what it is. It is undeniable that we live in a world that thrives on illusions, usually used to sell us things we don’t need and to instil a sense calm servitude. There must be a multitude of old adages about how if we as a collective people knew the truth we would rise up and smash the state and it’s puppetmasters. How true that is is slightly debatable, I don’t have much faith in us not just taking the safe and easy option given such a scenario. I am attempting to avoid talking about this coronavirus with every post but it is quite a challenge when it has entirely taken over our lives, our newsfeeds and our thought processes. Everything seems the same as I look out the window but apparently it isn’t, that may just be one of the illusions I’m still living within.

This then may not yet appear to be a crisis but from all I hear it is already well within that category of event. Even if nothing more happens now, we wake up tomorrow and miraculously Covid-19 has disappeared; we have probably done enough damage to the economy that we’ll suffer another recession. Capitalism thrives on this, we live in an age of disaster capitalism and this will be welcomed with open arms by those already starting to buy up stock on the cheap. I’m not necessarily doubting the severity of this virus, while I doubt there is much danger for myself I worry about my parents, and I know I’ve said this previously. What I will be critical of, and it is another thing to add to the disgustingly large pile of bullshit, is how the media has used any opportunity to sensationalise everything relatable they can. The hysterical criticism of people who have stockpiled food in response to the hysterical whipping up of fear that stocks may run out. Like capitalism, like the vast majority of politicians, the media has no morality. I’m not going to go as far as to say the whole thing has been set up to create a new recession but the media have certainly played such a part in bringing one about, it is easy to justify accusations it is intentional.

Saying all that though, are they not just a creation of our own making. They keep creating sensationalism because all we respond to is sensationalism. If people were more receptive to stories about initiatives in local areas that have been set up to help those in need during this crisis then maybe they would print some. Maybe they don’t exist that’s the problem. I have been attempting to find any local to me and cannot. It is probably too early, people are still out and about.

We have been taught for so long to look out for ourselves and this is easy when things are comfortable, it’s when we struggle that we need to come together. As a society we haven’t really struggled collectively since the Second World War. Politicians are already trying to invoke this kind emotive response but they’re all so pathetic and such weasels that it is hard to take them seriously. Boris Johnson with whistle to his lips about to order us over the top, “Nah you’re alright ya prick, you first…on ya go”. On the upside we may rediscover what it feels like to get to know and help your neighbour, or help anyone. Maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself with that though. The Covid-19 miracle and how it saved society. At the very least we’ll get some great data in a year or two about the environmental benefits of industry, airlines and cars being shut down. The steroid boost that slowed climate change, we have have just gained ourselves a little extra time. Now that would be a miracle.

Night Shift

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There are certain jobs that suit different people over others. I’ve done a few bread deliveries over the last month and it is one of those jobs that would be either perfect or a nightmare. Getting up early is a total nightmare of course when you’re not in that rhythm and you end up doing the shift on only three hours sleep but it doesn’t take a lot of thought so you can get by. It is one of those jobs that gives you the opportunity for some peace and quiet as you rarely speak to anyone until a few hours into the shift and even then it’s only a few sentences of routine greetings and jokes. I can imagine there is a certain repetition and they must love it when a new guy comes along. The roads are empty, it is dark, quiet and you have time for yourself. There’s also another world of things and people going on that over time would give opportunity to the most interesting set of stories. Without the interesting random events though it would probably become tedious like any job and if I’m still helping out here in ten years doing this then please somebody come and find me. There’s also the possibility that these interesting stories are only comparatively interesting and are few and far between. From time to time and in the short term though there is something interesting and enjoyable about it, but then you could say that about virtually any job if you were the sort with a curious mind.

I would be interested to know what a night shift stocking shelves in a supermarket would be like. I hope to never find out, let me make that clear, but the curiosity is more that I wonder if I enjoy the van driving at night over the working at night, I suspect I would hate every second of stocking shelves no matter the time of day, or the packing warehouse, or especially the cold outdoor work in the winter. So perhaps it has nothing to do with the night time but more with my fondness for driving around and feeling all warm inside my van. I do prefer the night hours more though. There is also some romanticism going on here and I have always imagined lorry drivers have been the types who love the solitude, the long endless nights and being left alone. In fact I have met a few, I have hitched with a few, and while I can’t confirm they enjoy being left alone they can be total oddballs for sure.

Ultimately it takes a certain type of person to work nights, to work such unsocial hours which seem to conflict with our natural rhythm. I have a lot of respect for nurses and doctors in that case as not only do they work nights but sometimes days too, and even then there shifts are long and intense. People are generally amazing I think is the conclusion and by amazing I mean they are all so varied there is always something to discover. Why we seem so determined to pander to our fears and box everyone away, especially in such enormous generalised boxes is beyond me. There may be jobs out there but try getting everyone to work a night shift unless they love it or are desperate and you can see why people don’t want to just work any job. If people were just given the education to discover there own paths then what an interesting workforce we would have. That and a bit of variety I would imagine.

Trumps Misery

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I was thinking a little more about what I said yesterday about why people act in ways seemingly detrimental to others, such as assassinating a leader despite the inevitable risks of what will follow. I mentioned Donald Trump and how he just wants to be happy and I will elaborate on that further. It is also worth mentioning the two big events coming up in American politics which could explain why such aggressive and dangerous actions in search of happiness were undertaken.

Firstly there is nothing quite like a war to give someone a boost in the polls ahead of an election. Trump himself warned Barack Obama was going to attack Iran just prior to the elections in 2012 so as to boost his chances of re-election. It’s a time honoured tradition by leaders and it appears Trump has simply fulfilled his own premonition with the 2020 election coming up. Secondly there is the small issue of him being impeached. While invading a foreign country, going to war or just making the move they did will not make impeachment proceedings go away, they will certainly draw some of the attention away from them. Theres the old adage of look for what they’re not reporting and it’s very easy to hide some bad news with something exciting, triumphant and reportable, it certainly takes the heat away from his current ordeal at home.

None of that takes away from my statement that he just wants to be happy because both of these incidents if played out as he would desire should give greater opportunity for some element of happiness in his life. However it is never as simple as that and it’s now that we try to find a way to describe that approach to life while avoiding using words like wrong or unacceptable, as ultimately that is my version of morality and a discussion on some kind of universal morality is probably best saved for another time. Such behaviour though is certainly selfish, self-serving and uncaring. If somebody acts in a way which is uncaring and destructive then it is not far fetched to suggest they are born out of anger and unhappiness. Trump may just want to be happy, which is looking compassionately at his actions, but if it is the negative emotions inside of him driving his actions then it will only lead to further negative emotions for himself and others no matter how much happiness and gold he believes lie in wait. Actions like yesterdays assassination are nothing more than another moment in the perpetual cycle of misery for people like this. While that may be his trip, the problem as is clearly evident, is that when someone on such a bad trip holds such power, it is impossible for us not to be dragged into it and into his reality. Unless we can separate ourselves, difficult though it is, our search for happiness will involve nothing other than being dragged into a world of fear, paranoia, misery and pain, because make no doubt about it; that fat cunt has it all.

The Dark Side

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It is amazing the fear we have about writing or expressing things that may be disagreeable. I have been trying now to write up an idea I had today which if I stood by it as a belief could be construed as patronising, elitist and morally skewing in the direction of disagreeable. Ultimately it is half baked and I suspect I don’t necessarily agree with it, however I found myself unable to write it up on here. What I must work out then is why, because if it is simply down to a fear of being scorned and rejected by my peers well that says either more about the failings of my peers, the change in direction of my moral compass or about how I deal with the reality of rejection. While I don’t necessarily think my moral compass is changing I do believe it is evolving, it still retains the foundations I have learnt, but I hope I can say it is growing up and becoming more refined. Like a pendulum though we can go too far as we discover the limits to certain ideas or ways of existing. Perhaps that’s what this is. The other rationale for why I am unwilling to write up a half baked idea that may be disagreeable is that I just don’t agree with it and am unwilling to write up something which I disagree with. However seeing as it is half baked, perhaps one way to bake it is to help my own understanding by writing it up.

Full disclaimer I do not necessarily believe this. But I admit, I did think it. I am human. I just seem to be breaking some unspoken rule about expressing things which we know should not be expressed.

The populace are like children. Some have the ability of a toddler to think constructively, some like a twelve year old who can think for themselves but doesn’t fully understand although is learning to push the boundaries to see what they can get away with and some like teenagers who can think for themselves and are fighting for their place in society but are stuck in that grey realm between childhood and adulthood while being neither, behaving like both and invariable never being treated how they want to and should be. Some people have access to great education while some no education. Neither makes you think but having no education does not help in your ability to form a fully thought out well constructed argument about who you should vote for. The reality is some people don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about yet they have the same voting rights as say a university politics professor. That is democracy and that is one of the beauties of it, if it were not like that then we would have some elitist technocracy which would probably never fully understand the people that it is telling how to live. It also means democracy is not perfect. Democracy is flawed, fundamentally I don’t know, but it is flawed. This does of course mean that I believe my opinion and vote is more important than the idiot reading the tabloid newspaper, and that makes me deeply uncomfortable because I’m not sure I do believe that, although maybe I do and just don’t want to admit it.

I have totally gone off on one. That was supposed to just be able the populace being a varying age of childhood. Perhaps that is just part of it and this then would most likely be a good moment to realise trying to cook half baked ideas on here is not the best idea. I suspect I will come back to this, as well as whether I believe myself to be more worthy than other people.

I am so confused and I feel so dirty. Am I in fact the ignorant one? Or am I finally just trying to see and understand aspects I may not always have been quite so keen to believe exist within me.