Tag: Downing Street

19 Covid’s Of Hell For PM BJ Bojo Johnson

Hamar WilliamsLeave a comment

Big news today, our glorious leader has gone and got a dose…of coronavirus silly, what did you think I was talking about. In a vain effort to be a man of the people, British Prime Minister Boris ‘Bojo’ Johnson has caught a cold. All is well though because he’s still running the country from Downing Street but now in his underpants via video link. The Prime Minister, or BJ as he’s known to his friends, is said to be in a fine mood as he believes this will finally convince the voters he’s willing to suffer with them no matter what and that his private chef has even begun cooking traditional peoples food like mushy peas and Fray Bentos pies just to lend an air of authenticity to proceedings. He is said to be really looking forward to microwave curry Wednesdays after his old friend Tim Martin donated leftover food to the coronavirus cause. He has drawn the line though at the bottle of Jacob’s Creek on offer even if it is part of a meal deal. He is said to be disappointed that his Supreme Overlord Dominic Cummings doesn’t have DNA capable of catching human virus’ as they could have had a “jolly good sleepover together”. His loyal and trusted colleague Micheal Gove has taken over media duties and promised to do all in his power to protect BJ’s legacy in the meantime.

So that’s the news, wow what a day. Is it time to start preparing for the military to take over once the politicians start dropping? Apparently Dominic Raab is supposed to be the one putting on the dour serious face if BJ becomes incapacitated. We’ll call him the interim Prime Minister before General Stickup His-Arse steps in to maintain public order. Apparently the sports stadiums are empty at the moment which should be handy. Let’s see how many people need their daily dog walk then. We won’t even need to report on our neighbours for that second run they took either. Isn’t it Great being British, such a wonderful people. Spirit of the Blitz don’t you know. We’ll show those Europeans how we deal with virus’, won’t be any red tape on our procedures, can’t break the law if there aren’t any. Thank god for the NHS though. These nurses putting their lives at risk is the kind of dedication that will easily add a few hundred million extra quid when we’re sitting around the negotiation table with the Americans. If there are any left though, they seem to be out Briting the Brits with their virus response. Always bigger and brasher than everyone else. Pricks.

A Brexit Hangover

Hamar WilliamsLeave a comment

While yesterday may have been a day for breaking down contrived differences and the fences built in their wake, today feels like a day to take the piss out of Brexiteers. After last nights Brexit celebrations in London I skimmed through a live recording of the event online, lets say fifteen to twenty minutes of my life were dedicated to it, and made some notes. It is worth saying to start with that the whole event seemed highly amusing if anything, and while I don’t doubt there were some conditioned subjective observations; there were moments I found myself observing them as just human beings, not necessarily positively, but at least not first and foremost as Brexiteer monsters.

“Watching the Brexiteers sing We Are The Champions makes them look like spoilt little children.
Counting down like it’s a New Year celebration.
The fake clock sound because Big Ben’s broken and they can’t afford to fix it.
Sad bastards.
I’m so happy I’m not there.
Or them.
A tin pot 19th century military brass band playing the introduction to what turned out to be a 1950s Christmas crooner rendition of the national anthem.
Nigel Farage belting out his pre-memorised song sheet.
The singers out of time as the final line is stretched out.
The Union Jacks and St George’s cross blowing in the wind.
Farage legs it less than five minutes after the clock strikes 12 (Brussels time).
‘Brexit Celebration’ left on the screen to remind the crowd why they’re there.
A few of the crowd break out with Auld Lang Syne, it is New Year after all.
Some hip hip hoorays.
Chants of “Nigel”, an encore perhaps?
The sound of the bagpipes like a knife to the heart.
A multicoloured 10 Downing Street dressed up like a circus tent.
I bet Farage is desperate for this to be over so he stops having to hang out with those morons.”

I was tempted to rewrite it but thought best to give you the raw notes. Some a little harsh I admit and I hope it is entirely objective but there was something really pathetic about the whole thing. I’m in no doubt I would have said exactly the same thing had they been a bunch of pro-EU supporters gloating over something they also don’t understand. But that’s done now, I’ve had my fun and will return to the moral high ground of merely attacking the fences and those who build them. Certainly more fun being a dick though.