Tag: discipline

Until Tomorrow

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Staring at a blank screen. The modern day blank paper. Think of something, do it now. Be creative, write some words worth repeating. Yet nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.

Well always something but it can feel like nothing. It’s times like these you remember to just start saying something, anything. Less than three weeks left. How will I force myself when I don’t have to. That is the real discipline. But I have an idea. Ideas never unfold as supposed to though. I’m curious to know how it’ll feel not to write. After one year of doing this everyday no matter what. How do you then experience not doing it. I might actually miss this little blog.

What to replace it with though. Likely nothing I’ll force upon others in the short term at least but hopefully something creative in another respect. It was discussed, the importance of creativity with a friend a few weeks ago. To say it is important over simplifies an understanding of creativity. But to go down that route in this moment will only result in me being both ridiculous and pretentious. Let’s just say it brings something to life, creativity in any form. it’s not just painting a picture or writing some words, it anything, it’s life.

Bellend.

That’ll do. I have heartburn. I wasn’t very creative with my dinner tonight and ate yesterdays lentils and sausage mixed with some pasta. My burps taste of sausage but I think it’s the day old lentils that have done it. I have a feeling day old lentils do this type of thing. Ah feelings. I quite fancy a beer. I think I’m just thirsty. I would love to say I don’t add salt to my food but certainly that sausage would have been packed full. Sausages are so disgusting yet we always go back. That’s because they’re also really tasty. Or they can be. This one was.

A Cretan rustic sausage to be precise. I liked Crete. I would like to go back. I was tempted this winter actually. Seems like a strange time to be moving places though. The world is shutting down and I’m doggedly fighting what is before my eyes. Why do we do this. Why can acceptance be so difficult. Too many options I always say. Most likely fear of something not immediately obvious. Back to Scotland instead though and what feels like the epicentre of everything viral. It isn’t but seemingly not far off. To leave a reasonably relaxed, warm Greece for a dark, cold inevitable lockdown in Scotland. We make the strangest of choices. They are neither right nor wrong because there is not such thing. Simply a series of events we compare against each other based upon a set of ideas formed from something long forgotten. And yet we choose value and we choose our response to this choice. One day we shall overcome. That’s likely what death beds are for though. Avoiding life’s only real obsession may be wise for now.

I shall end on this.

For now. And come back tomorrow.

To Become A True Disciple Of Discipline

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It can be hard finding the discipline to do things you don’t want to do. There has been some discipline involved in writing this every day. I am a little surprised, I am less than two months from the one year finishing line and still going. It’s not a stubbornness that has got me this far but certainly once you’ve put a certain amount of energy and emotion into something it can be easier just to carry on than stop. The public shame of stopping also plays a role and there’s no coincidence I published originally in this knowledge. Creating a habit of easier just to continue than stop is also easier said than done.

Currently a catamaran in a boat yard in Greece is my home. I am fixing a few things that need fixed and waiting around for a professional to fix the odd thing I can’t or am probably better off not trying. There have been moments in which I’m happy to get on with things but sometimes, these last few days have been a challenge. One job I have to do is antifoul the bottom of the two hulls. It turns out that the painting part is going to be impossible for now as it must go in the water shortly after being painted. It’s not going back in until probably April next year. I can prepare it in advance though. That means the dreaded sanding. I hate sanding. I have sanded plenty of things in my life and I hate it.

It turns out sanding a hull is even less enjoyable than normal. You need to be fully decked out in a protective suit, a mask and goggles. This is for my health which is important but the goggles don’t seem to do much judging by my facial resemblance to a smurf – the hull is blue – and it gets bloody hot at this time of year. Throw in the fact the previous layers are proving rather difficult to get off and I am aware I don’t want to sand too deep so in itself it is pretty challenging. The point is that requiring the discipline to get up and do the job has been an issue. I have struggled. Yesterday was good in a way, although frustrating as it rained and I had to stop, I at least had an excuse. Today though has been a lovely day and the only obstacle has been myself. This is discipline, or at least another type of discipline, one requiring a different type of effort to that needed for writing in here. You think you’ve taken steps learning something but it’s a case of then discovering the thing you think you are getting to grips with has an infinite amount of variety.

I have discovered though that like everything we just need to look at it all one step, or one day, at a time. If I look at the entire two hulls it becomes a huge task and a hugely off-putting one at that. If I just say today I will sand for the morning or until X o’clock then suddenly I am more inclined to crack on and see the morning through. Like everything, if we ignore the enormity of any task or issue and take it one day at a time it all seems much more manageable. I say that, the theory sounds nice, I’ll let you know how I get on and whether I’m simply talking out of my arse once more.

One More Piece Of Track

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I sometimes wonder if I’m obsessed with habits. Partly this comes down to spending years moving around and in a way desiring the time for routine and such things. Not being fixed like a robot but just having a familiarity with how the day will unfold and what that means at certain times. Had I not been in one place these last ten months this whole experiment would have unfolded differently. Certainly I thought the summer pieces would have been full of travel and sailing adventures which would have been interesting but there’s every chance life would have been busy in a different way and possibly affected what has still managed to be one piece a day. Having a routine these ten months has helped this to happen.

I left yesterday then as I mentioned, well, yesterday, and am now at my parents until late next Tuesday. I have plenty of time on my hands now so no excuse not to write this but I am having to adapt to a new routine. That’s not overly challenging but it does require discipline to sit down when I don’t know how the day will unfold. You can’t wait until later in the day because you don’t know how later will unfold. This will likely become even more apparent next week when I find myself in Greece. How my days will unfold is anyone’s guess and like over Christmas when I was in Dublin it will likely be a case of grab any opportunity I can.

The reason I go into this is because I found myself watching random television tonight and being unsure when it would allow me the time to sit down and do this. I was going to write about the documentary on trains I watched but like happens regularly I end up just rambling as I begin writing. Trains are really cool. They influenced local and world events. The Indian railway system allowed for Indian Independence while also in a way being a positive of British rule. That’s one way of spinning it at least. The Brits also tried to build a railway from Cairo to Cape Town and got about half way, through some of the most beautiful and arduous terrain. The Russian Revolution became a possibility as the Railway Union backed the Bolsheviks during the revolution and subsequent civil war. That’s without even mentioning the remarkable Trans Siberian railway. I really want to do the trip from Cape Town to Victoria Falls. Trains are probably my favourite form of transport because they take you through wilderness in a way that roads going from town to town can’t.

I watched this program then and it reminded me how much I enjoy doing things and going places. Is that a habit? The habit of choosing the adventurous option. In a way it’s probably something learnt from what life has provided me until now. I’ve learnt this is not just an option but an option I thrive in. It could also be the habit of running away from the challenge of living a life of repetition and work, the struggles that that involves. Life is but nuance and a multitude of credible and rational explanations it appears after all. And like a slow steam train ambling through countryside, this is but one more section of track in search of the elusive final instalment.

The Secret Of The Hoarder

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Today is a day of necessity. It turns out I’m a little bit of a collector of stuff. As I said yesterday I appear to have acquired more stuff this year. The famous George Carlin joke is pretty apt here as since I’ve had a place of my own it has just meant I now have more space for more stuff. This necessity then involves effort and a new type of discipline. What makes today necessary and disciplined is that it’s the day I pack up my stuff and clean the flat. Packing also appears to mean throwing out. I’m not very good at throwing out.

Many years ago now when I was travelling around Australia I had an old Toyota Corolla 1986. I loved her and we shared twenty thousand miles together. I cried a little when I gave her away, my ex girlfriend who I gave it to thought it was over her, I never had the heart to tell her the truth. It was the same story then as now, I had upgraded from a rucksack and was able to use the excess space for more stuff. When I finally left the country after fourteen months I had the unenviable task of emptying and ‘cleaning’ my car. My friends managed to get some really random and cool things I had sniffed out and acquired over the time but I managed to hold on to a few things of importance. One thing I like to mention, and use as an example of why being a hoarder is a valuable trait, were about three or four bungee cords I had picked up at some point but never used and which had lived in the boot of my car the majority of the trip. As I packed everything I could into a rucksack I managed to find space for these bungee cords. It wasn’t as I said because they were a daily necessity in my life but I just knew they would be important one day. Two years later I found myself cycling from Amsterdam to Berlin with a pile of ‘useful’ stuff attached to the back of my bike. How did I attach them I hear you ask, those very bungee cords of course. They came in handy, I knew they always would. And that is the secret of the hoarder.

It is simply the ability to look at something and recognise it’s potential value at a later date. We hardly need much use for things in the moment unless we’re doing something specific but we don’t know what the future holds either. If you can see the potential value in something why would you turn it down or not pick it up. I call it a form of foresight, or maybe it is just straight up foresight.

Today though I need to be strict with myself. It’s Australia all over again but this time I don’t simply have a bag to restrict my worst tendencies, I have the knowledge there’s space in my long suffering parents attic. While in Australia I had to contend with the difficult decision of giving away what was unquestionably the best oilskin sleeping bag I had ever used, especially difficult as I had found it in a black bin bag in the middle of the road. While others drove around I stopped for a look. Now I’m left with decisions at the level of whether I should bother keeping the three black marker pens I’ve never used but might, although probably won’t, especially as I already have a few somewhere in the attic from a previous occasion. I should donate them to someone. I admire minimalists. I think they see the world in a different way through very different eyes. I wonder what they do when they need a set of bungee cords. Surely they have a secret box of stuff somewhere. Like a perversion they keep to themselves.

Permanent Seasonal Work

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It’s got to that point in life where I’m thinking of entering the cryptocurrency world. I’ve been given a hot tip and have been attempting for the last twelve hours to act on it. It turns out that buying cryptocurrency is not straight forward. I like things to be straight forward. It’s a complicated world too. Unless people are heavily into it people rarely know much or understand much about what it even is. I just like the idea that once bitcoin cost pennies and now they’re about nine thousand dollars each. Someone out there got stinking rich and is now swanning around having a lovely time. I would like that to be me.

It’s luck really. Unless you know the people who are creating these things and what their next step is, which is illegal of course and also no guarantee of success, then the likelihood is you’ll not make much or you’ll lose it all. They’re like penny shares and if the reward is high then surely the risk is even higher. Some may make a fortune but luck plays probably the biggest part of all. But then luck plays a huge part in all success in a way. Of course the adage that you make your own luck is accurate in many ways that doesn’t mean you’re ever fully in control, or potentially in control at all, of events.

I refer to success in making money in one particular way but this could relate to lots of things. Sports and music would be such examples. That isn’t to say the sports stars and musicians haven’t put in a ridiculous and almost obsessive amount of hard work and sacrifice because they will have but to deny the existence of luck and various events going their way fortuitously in undeniable.

I need some luck then. Am I a lucky person? I’m certainly not an unlucky person, I think I can cede that. Which means I must be lucky. Is there a middle ground? Well nothing is ever black and white so I’ll claim some variety of the middle ground once more. I do love the middle ground. There’s nothing quite like being indecisive. I think I wrote a piece on it months ago, something about the virtue of sitting on the fence. My memory tells me it was a good one. This may be less so but it is better than what I was originally going to write which was; “Tonight I am tired. I have been defeated”. Definitely an improvement. I try not to winge too much about not sleeping enough and working too much but I really need to stop averaging five hours a night. I’m used to doing seasonal work where you destroy yourself for six to eight weeks and then travel. This feels like it’s been going on since lockdown. The travel part really can’t come soon enough.

That’ll do for tonight. I thank you for your patience and your interest if you’ve made it this far. I’m off to bed.

The Habitual Self-Evolution

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Now it’s not that I’m not enjoying this writing challenge that I set myself and thought others might like inflicted upon them, but when I finally decided to check to see when the last day would be and discovered it not in early October or possibly even late September, instead mid November, my heart sunk a little. There was a little glimmer of hope in my mind that I had less than two months left and it turned out I have a full three. As I said it’s not that I’m not enjoying it and I know for certain I’m getting a lot from it, but I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to not have a day in which there isn’t something at the back of my mind reminding me I still have to sit down and write something. It does feel like my one daily chore and as I write that I realise how lucky I am to have only one real chore. It’s not cool to blow ones own trumpet but for such an undisciplined person it has been a remarkable show of discipline. If only it was possible to transport that into other parts of my life.

It’s also quite easy though let’s be honest. To write four times a week but on any particular day or even at any frequency within the week would probably be more of a challenge than knowing it’s a daily routine of sitting down and doing something. When something has to be done daily there is a lack of opportunity for free thought and potential excuses. If I know I don’t necessarily have to do something today as I still have tomorrow to do it creates a different kind of challenge altogether. Discipline with choice or discipline without. I know myself and it may be a struggle. They do say, whoever ‘they’ are, that if you can do something for a whole year you will create enough of a habit to be able to maintain consistency and practice. I’ll now have a real example to use of whether I believe there to be any truth in that.

My heart sunk then when I discovered I still have a quarter of a year to go. It sunk despite knowing I enjoy and appreciate the benefits of doing this. This isn’t about really refining any styles, although I hope I will have done without realising. I’ll read from the beginning one day and see if my writing evolved over the time. It is about creating the habit of doing something regularly. I know I repeat myself a lot, or assume I do, but certainly I see a huge importance in understanding, observing and changing habit where necessary. So much of our lives are defined by habit. Arguably our actions and potentially even characters are just a series of habits formed from birth. We can say we have both good and bad habits and there would be validity in such a statement but I would like to explore whether it’s possible to challenge all habits no matter how they’re viewed in my mind. Can we be habit free? If habits are character defining then the answer is probably no but it would certainly be fun trying to find out. In the meantime this is simply one more piece closer to a new and hopefully long term habit. I share this with you, and pretend sometimes it’s for you, but let’s be honest I’m just using you all in my quest for some kind of self-evolution.

To Endure The Discipline

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There are probably a few things wrong with this blog. Firstly it’s a blog and I know blogs are not always viewed upon in the most appreciated of lights, I assume this is because of the potential for a little self-indulgence and self-aggrandising. I don’t dismiss that, and while I try to avoid doing this I know I am probably guilty sometimes, especially the self-indulgence. The fact I write from the first perspective quite often probably doesn’t help. There is something else about this particular blog though I know definitely doesn’t lead to ease of anything.

Because I write every single day, there are numerous days in which I force myself to find both the energy and the subject matter to write about. I doubt anyone has read every piece I have written, I wouldn’t blame you for not as there have been a lot and I know I wouldn’t have kept up were it someone else’s project. One thing that is clear though if you have read a few is that there are a lot of pieces in which I have written just about anything to complete the task of writing something every day. Not that that isn’t a problem because ultimately the first and really only priority was to write each and every day, after that writing well and about interesting things could only ever be a secondary. I don’t doubt there have been days in which I can be proud of both my writing and the content but there are too some which are quite the opposite.

It turns out it’s quite difficult to write something on a daily basis and I’m impressed that some professionals manage it so proficiently when they do. Admittedly being professionals they make the time but still it is an achievement I am recognising more as this year has progressed. I struggle because not being a professional writer means I have to be a professional something else and for me that is making pizzas in the evening and delivering bread in the early morning. I wasn’t expecting to drive tomorrow but events have allowed such a scenario to happen, so having finished pizzas I know I need to be awake in about four hours. When you throw in the lack of desire to talk politics, the lack of brain energy to talk philosophy not that I do on here very often despite my original desire to do so, and really a lack of desire to talk about anything, I find myself writing pieces like this. Now this could appeal to the people who write about writing blogs, and what I am doing is a great experiment in blog writing I’m sure, but it’s not the kind of thing that would garner great attention and back slaps.

I would love to pretend I am above back slaps but let’s be honest if I’m willing to publish this every day it’s not just because doing this publicly helps force the discipline to continue. We all love being told we’re doing something well etcetera etcetera. I have mentioned before that when the year is up I’ll perhaps write one or two pieces a week but hopefully make them really interesting and thought out. In a way that is even more challenging in a disciplined sense and also sometimes I feel my best pieces come out in those late at night forced moments. It’s strange like that. Writing this has so far been a very interesting experience and I know I’ll elaborate more as the days tick down towards the full year. Thankfully though that is more than enough of a piece for tonight and I hope someone somewhere managed to appreciate just slightly the insight into the life of someone who is enduring a blog. Enduring sounds perfect as my eyes begin to close.

A Disciplined Ramble

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Life is funny. Life is full of surprises. We think we have it all worked out and then something comes along to remind us we have no idea. We have no control. I have been criticised in the past for just going with what comes in front of me and forgetting everything else and in some ways there is validity in that. Living in the moment is great, being present is real but so are things that you can’t see. But then there is also a lot to be said about going with whatever twists and turns life’s rollercoaster throws at you. Part of that is embracing the good things that come up but with that we must also embrace the struggles. It may feel like what you are faced with, whatever daunting prospect you see blocking your way, is inhibiting you and preventing you from finding happiness but we never know what series of events will unfold because of it. Maybe, just maybe, something will come into our life that brings some happiness but that thing wouldn’t have had those more negative events first not come. It is important to remember this when we feel everything is lost. I could relate this to the virus, but I could very easily relate it to something else, or anything in fact. It’s just nice to discover something positive from events which haven’t turned out as we originally thought they might.

I haven’t re-read that but what a ramble I imagine it was. It’s been a long day and i’m already into the next. The early hours of the morning. This isn’t going to be a vintage piece and it’s another day of learning more about discipline. It’s genuinely interesting, for me at least, to see how natural and easy it is to write each day now. I’m so tired, it’s 2am and I really want to sleep but I’m here writing this. It can’t be that far off six months I’ve written every day. Every bloody day despite what has been going on around me. It might not always be exciting for you but fuck, it’s amazing what not wanting to have a public fail will force a person to do. What is interesting though is that I have seen changes in my daily approach to things. While I still have idle moments if I need to focus my energy on something undoubtedly I am far more capable of it that in the past. I genuinely think I have learnt and become a more disciplined man in my everyday life from this. From forcing myself to write no matter what. Habits are everything. Just imagine what kind of an enlightened being I’ll be in another six months. Look out world.

An Unknown Transition Into The Unknown

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I’m not someone who feels the need to play music all the time. I enjoy silence. I enjoy podcasts. I enjoy music. But a balance between them is vital, as is my mood on their regularity. I have been listening to some music for the last half hour while I was online and avoiding writing this. When I see people listening to music and being able to study, read or write, basically concentrate, I have often wished this was something I was capable of. The words coming on this page would be inspired by the sounds around me but I can’t focus and not even one word follows.

I was listening to some dub and desiring a party or a festival. These last few years have been an interesting transition in life. Everyone goes though different chapters in their lives, even if they marry at 18, never divorce, never leave their home town and keep the same job, there will still be chapters within this. Mine have been slightly more adventurous and I can recognise periods when I wanted nothing but travel and others when I felt a need to rest for example. It took about five years from my first desires for rest to get to were I am now but life is all so extreme that I’m still longing for adventure equally alongside some kind of ‘normal’ existence. ‘Normal’ is a strange and inexplicable concept, which is why I won’t even try explaining what I mean by it and I know my version of it will still be a long way from the man with many chapters in the same town above. But fuck, right now having listened to a little music and recollected a few memories, there is a part of me that wants to put down the ‘normal’ so much and pick up the alternate once more.

I have also come to appreciate this life though recently and value the people living it far more than I ever did at the height of being a prick in my more adventurous moments. I’ve come to realise there is as much value in this existence as one lived with daily excitement and variety, it’s different value but it’s still value regardless, as it too is exciting and varied regardless. That doesn’t stop me wanting to drop it all and jump on a boat heading somewhere wild and exotic though but I doubt that will ever leave me. Equally this current existence is an extreme in the other direction as I know the ideal will be somewhere in the middle. I only meant to come here for a few months to help a mate out and it’s been nearly six months. He’s taking great pleasure in reminding me a few more months and I’ll have broken my longest job record. With this pizza takeaway now being a thing and coronavirus being an even bigger thing it seems I may still be sitting in this same seat in four months trying to understand what the drink in my hand represents.

Is this now life? Well it’s the current version and I’m starting to learn enough from it that interesting things happen when we roll with whatever comes up. In a way that’s a freedom more real than any enforced search for a liberty that ultimately becomes constrictive. There are always things out of our control which make us jump between paths, enduring the grey transitional space between, but once we’re actually on it; life never really seems all that bad. Quite often the opposite. It has become clear to me recently that we’re owed nothing, their is no destiny, that desires will never happen if we wait for them to and ideas of fairness miss the harsh unknown nature of life. It is an irrational and absurd world. Nothing bad has happened but seemingly I’ve managed to understand the knowledge I previously had and it all seems to make a little more sense. This is why discipline is necessary. Why being able to focus the energy to achieve the goal is the only way we can really get things done. Why I’m curious, excited and unsure about what comes next. It’s a little unknown. But then everything always has been.

Own It!!

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I’m having one of those ‘Own it!!‘ days. It began when I was feeling a little lazy earlier while ‘working’ and decided to put a podcast on in the background. I wasn’t in the mood to learn anything so dismissed the more intellectual ones I like to impress people with and listened to Joe Rogan instead. His guest was comedian Bert Kreischer who I discovered recently on another podcast and who seems like the kind of guy who would deeply offend certain people. In that case as far as I’m concerned he is doing the job a stand-up comedian should be doing; using humour to highlight our worst tendencies and hypocrisies. Joe Rogan’s podcast is generally a hit although he gets it wrong sometimes, but there are some like this one in which you feel as if you’re just hanging out with two mates smoking, drinking and talking shit. While some may dismiss that kind of behaviour I feel they miss the point that people need that. They need to talk shit and not care. Sometimes Joe Rogan can start talking about exercise and health and you know the man lives what he’s saying, there’s an intensity to it that dare I say is inspiring.

For anyone who has read any of these on a regular basis they will be aware of how a couple of months ago I had an own it!! moment after an energising salt water cleanse. It’s a powerful one and it makes you realise how much a healthy gut can have an effect upon your mood and your energy levels. I slowly slipped back into my old unhealthy ways and am now back relying on coffee for energy and pastries for a easy lunch. Needless to say I’m groggy and lethargic most of the time but importantly having not always been groggy and lethargic I am aware of there being other states of existence. Much of this is mental, the drive to achieve and the energy to make it happen comes from the mind in many ways but if the gut is a second brain then we can’t overlook it’s contribution too. I’ve just started reading the book Gut by Giulia Enders again and seeing as I’ve just got over my readers block I’m pretty confident I’ll make it beyond page twenty this time.

Nobody should go through life lethargic and groggy, and if one thing is clear as the world falls apart around us is that life is finite, why waste it killing time. I’m going to finish this bag of coffee I’ve got, transition back to green tea and cut out the bloody sugar which I’m surrounded by from working in a bakery and being weak. How long this will last is anyones guess but considering this daily blog has lasted about four months now I’m clearly capable of the previously impossible with a little effort. I’m probably going to do some yoga, some calisthenics and go for a run after this. I’ve got to do something with my time, might as well own what I say.