conversation – Observations and Misunderstandings

I had an interesting interaction today and it made me think about how we instinctively respond to people and how we then spend the next hour fantasising about how we would like to have responded to them. In truth it wasn’t even a big thing and I didn’t really dwell on it but it reminded me of times in the past I have. I will explain what happened. At work I had to go and pick up something from one place and take it to another because they had run out, I won’t bore you with those details. When I asked for them the woman in the shop asked “Why?”, I said “because they had run out of them”, she then asked whether there were none at all in the stores and I confirmed there were none at all, she went and got them as she had a lot to spare. Quite a nothing conversation but she didn’t need to ask why or quiz me on whether there were any in the stores, I wouldn’t have asked for some if they hadn’t run out which seems obvious or if there were any in the stores, and her why was not necessarily friendly inquisitive but not overly rude either. I responded in my usually unthreatening way and I left with what I was after.

Afterwards however the mind takes over. It starts to point out that I didn’t need to explain myself or why I was after what I was after, and I wished then that I had said this to her. I then thought about people I know who would have responded in that manner and envied them, wondering what it was that made them capable of doing that and not me. Are people just quick thinking, are they permanently on the defensive, are they permanently on the attack, are they just prepared from past fantasies of their own. In the moment I didn’t even notice anything, it was just a normal interaction. I don’t go into situations defensively or aggressively and while I may fantasise and wish I pulled people up more often when they’re being rude, in the moment these things happen I rarely give an actual shit. I’ve heard it said that the ego takes over afterwards, that the true self is the person who responds in the moment. Maybe there’s some truth in that as it’s only ever my pride which whines and fantasises after events, it rarely exists in these moments as they happen. Or maybe it does and I’m just caught off guard. I’m evidently not an instinctive fighter always on alert though, and I don’t know if I want to be in truth. Anyway, enough of this, if I carry on about it too much I may just convince myself I am bothered and really what’s the point in that.

There was an article on the BBC today about a now former referee who eighteen months ago was sacked from his job for making a video in which he mocked a disabled person. The issue has surfaced because the man decided recently he would explain what happened, and why he hadn’t quit because ‘he had decided to relocate due to a change in his personal circumstances’ as his employers said at the time but had been sacked because of this video. He states that in the video he was making fun of himself and saying he may have a chance of winning an adults race at his child’s sports day despite being a fat man – which had been the banter between him and his friend – because, and its not clear here, another person or people racing were either disabled or so bad, an impression of a disabled person could relate to them. This video was sent to a friend who he later fell out with, who sent it on to his employer, was sacked and we find ourselves here.

The reason I bring this up is not to defend him. I have not seen the video and doubt many have, but I can imagine what it is like as I have seen that type of thing or joke plenty over the years. I doubt it’s very funny and for a full grown adult to have made it must be quite embarrassing. I am not offended by it, and don’t believe someone necessarily has the right not to be offended, however it will be offensive to some people and them being offended is most likely justifiable, as he himself admits to it’s crass nature. The reality is he is in the public eye and with public perception so important, these organisations are desperate to maintain the veil of public decency at all times. There are people not in the public eye though who have suffered similar fates for similar actions so arguably the consequences are no different.

My reason for bringing it up then is that by saying it’s bad, discriminatory and worth losing your job over, it arguably deals with the issue without any real debate over why or how bad it is. We seem so determined to either have trial by media or to sweep something under the carpet that it doesn’t allow us the opportunity to debate these issues properly and have any adult conversations. The world is not black and white. This man made a stupid and offensive video and he lost a job at thirty-two years old which he had wanted to do and trained for since he was six years old. We need to move away from the antiquated concept of good and bad, right and wrong, and be able to discuss these issues; which if we view objectively vary along the spectrum of acceptability. I’m not giving an answer to any questions here, merely suggesting we need to be mature enough to not only ask reasonable questions but be willing also to try answer the ones that don’t necessarily have an easy answer.

Tag: conversation

Think Quick Proud Man

Adult Debate