An Opportunity Lost?

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The more I think about it the British General Election back in December was an even bigger loss than I thought at the time. Don’t get me wrong I was pretty desponded, as the annuls of this blog can attest, but this is a deeper realisation. At the time it was clearly a missed opportunity. The Labour manifesto was in places a sensation, an attempt to strip back years of neoliberal skullduggery and corruption. It was relatively radical by an measure of what depths British politics has sunk to, we were going to have drastic and crazy levels of social welfare in line with Germany and France. Perish the thought. Apparently that was going to be Communism in the heart of Europe, well the departing heart of Europe. This realisation that we were instead about to be dragged out of Europe and forced onto our proverbial knees by an aggressively self-serving United States. To sit by as those supposedly negotiating and supposedly on our behalf pretended they were going to act tough even though they had already admitted they had put all our eggs in the Yankee basket. The neoliberal con was about to have it’s one last job before going into retirement. Of course I was despondent.

And now as the world has descended into whatever we can call this shit show, it is beyond doubt that there will be lasting effects and change coming out of all of this. Nobody who says they know really has any idea because it genuinely is all open. All open in the way that power still holds all the cards even though they’re blank. Depending how long this goes on for will depend on how your average persons view of the world changes in an open compassionate way, and that means a lot of suffering I suspect. Right now after a month of this it’s far from long enough to have any lasting change and I must point out I’m not a believer in ends justifying means or innocent people suffering. I don’t want the world necessarily to change for the better if it means innocents dying. Anyone who believes this misses the point. But had power not been this corrupt bunch of self-serving scumbags then at least this rebuild may have been done with someone other than their own and the tax dodgers interests at the top of the pile.

What an opportunity. We thought it was going to be bad having five years of a majority government of some of the worst Tories in my lifetime calling the shots. Now these people will rebuild what comes out of this and I am not looking forward. Boris is no hero despite what the media are attempting to convince you, and I doubt he had an intensive care bed epiphany about the value of the NHS and freedom of movement despite his foreign NHS nurse holding his precious little hand throughout. Imagine the vitriol had Jeremy Corbyn been in charge, there is simply no way his government would be getting let off as easily as this current mob. They would most likely blame him for the state of the NHS despite only being in power for a few months after ten years of Tory austerity and ideological cuts. We could be about to move into a period of rebuilding society and the economy with people being put first, the whole populace, not the depending on bank account version. So it is a missed opportunity, but is it a lost opportunity? This is only something time can tell. We’ve certainly not made it easy on ourselves though.

The Countryside In Quarantine

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Another beautiful sunny day outside. How much I would have enjoyed spending Easter up north in Scotland somewhere. Whenever anyone has every asked me about the homeland I’ve always suggested April, May too but it usually rains more in May. It seems so trivial to be desiring nature and complaining about being deprived of it when people are dying. Don’t get me wrong I’m not about to suggest we should all start embracing nature and rural communities. I am originally from a rural community and I’m aware these people are not overly keen on city folk at the best of times let alone when they’re bringing virus’ with them. One of my childhood neighbours is currently bang in the middle of lambing season, well actually more towards the end probably, but just imagine one of them had caught it. Who knows what they would have done. That lamb chop has to come from somewhere. The other issues if a lack of local GPs and the only real hospital in the area is over half an hour away from my parents and while it’s a decent size it wouldn’t be capable of dealing with a local epidemic. I’m never one for pandering to official advice and while I have no real issue with people sitting in the park, I do with them moving around the country spreading this virus.

On the other hand I was looking at the local Facebook group for the village I’m in currently and someone had posted a photo of a camper van complaining about people coming to visit. It’s a tricky one here because this little village by the sea would be nothing without tourism which many people seem to have forgotten in their outrage. There were a few outraged comments before someone finally popped up and informed everyone it was a local guy who lived three doors down from him. It’s always a wonderful moment when outrage gets put back in it’s place. The post was deleted but subsequently replaced by a post replete with photos, complaining about dog poo in the park. So city folk, we clearly have enough to deal with already in these places. Perish the thought if Doris had stood in that, think of the outrage.

There was another post which drew my attention though and it was a meme for how the government was paying you to sit in your garden, drink beer and have a nice time, or something along those lines. So with all this talk complaining about people going into nature, it is important to raise awareness of all those without gardens, or fields, or front drives, or anywhere they can go outside without being accosted by some angry do gooder or some policeman with ticket book in hand. Can you imagine being stuck on the twelfth floor of a tower block, or in a one bedroom apartment, or in a flat share with flatmates you don’t like, or even in an abusive relationship. Nothing is ever black and white, lockdown is not the same for everyone and this virus is not the great leveller is has been described as. So share a thought for these people when you criticise others getting a little sunshine in the park or going for a walk. Just don’t walk too far into the countryside is all.

Lockdown Pizzas

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Drum roll please…now is the time to reveal what it was that got me all worked up the other day. Edge of your seat stuff I’m sure, it would be a surprise had you not already read the title. Yes myself and a couple of friends are selling takeaway pizzas. Let’s be honest there’s nothing like a good crisis to make a little cash. They own a bakery and as they’re still open delivering bread we thought we may as well make a few pizzas as a side project and see how it goes. It’s great though because they already understand bread so we have a really nice thin sourdough base and they have proper stone ovens so they’re stonebaked too. Genuinely they’re really nice. I’m the creative director / pizzas artist. There are no takeaways open at all in the area and people seem reasonably enthused by the prospect of being able to alleviate the tedium of this current social experiment with the idea of comfort food. On top of that we will use some of the money we manage to raise and either donate it to the NHS or if there are any local families who have been affected by the virus it would be a good thing to try and help them if possible, even just a weeks food shop. Like everything it’s a lets see how it evolves thing as clearly all is currently unknown.

But yes there was the stress. I was in a terrible fettle on Wednesday. The realisation of what we were doing all came to me at once and the intensity of the energy was just too much. I can’t remember exactly what I said in the piece on Wednesday but I think towards the end I said something about channeling the energy and even if I didn’t I have had the most remarkable two days since. Whenever I found the energy building up I detached myself from it for long enough to stop it being overwhelming, but more importantly I consciously managed to use it to focus on whatever task I needed to do. This means I have been running around like a mad man for two days but have done it in a focused controlled way which was an interesting experience for such an idle man ordinarily.

Today was ridiculous, first we found out the pizza boxes weren’t going to arrive which would make selling pizzas pretty difficult. The show must go on though so we can up with some solutions but in the end managed to buy some off a man in a van in a layby and then it turned out the vegetable order hadn’t gone through so we weren’t going to have any veggies or cheese for the pizzas. We managed to behave like toilet roll fanatics in the local co-op and emptied shelves. Ultimately both these situations would have destroyed me on Wednesday but today I managed to use the power they created for focus and drive. What a feeling. Maybe this is what people do.

Anyway I’m exhausted and I’ve got to be up in the early hours again to deliver bread tomorrow. It is simply non-stop at the moment. So as the show must go on, it may be wise to draw the curtain on this piece for today. Need to conserve my energy for another evening of pizza making after all.

A Delivery Of Bread, Harmony and Brexit

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Today began with an interesting morning of delivering bread. I went along this morning with one of the delivery drivers so I could learn his route in case he ever needs some one to cover him. This driver is an interesting man. Certainly at three o’clock in the morning he was far more chatty than I expected but after I while I managed to warm up and discover the ability to hold conversation. We chatted about a few things but at one point after I told him I had lived in Greece for a few years he asked me what the situation with the immigrants is. Now this kind of question can go one of two ways and it comes from a basis usually of “poor refugees” or “economic migrants we may have to be wary of”. I have found myself in this situation enough times to recognise this and give a general answer about how conditions are terrible there and now I can warn of the dangers of this virus in the camps. If he is inclined to be on the economic migrant side of the debate he doesn’t really get a window into the conversation from that angle and I’m careful not to go full refugee’s need rescuing and help coming to Britain because it opens up the possibilities of pointless arguments I cannot be bothered with.

Inevitably the conversation one way or another led onto politics and down the rabbit hole of nostalgia that Brexit has become. He was confident enough of his beliefs to admit to disliking faceless bureaucrats and being pro-Brexit. I suggested it wasn’t as straightforward as that because unfortunately we have plenty of faceless bureaucrats in the UK, we will soon be the United States’ little bitch and I enjoy living and working in foreign countries. The conversation very quickly got to the point we’ve all recognised before where the next step is basically you saying “No you’re wrong” and him saying “No actually you’re wrong”. For anyone who had one, a Brexit discussion reaches a very quick climax of that exact sort without fail. And you know what, there was something about that moment which I realised I missed.

The chap I was having this debate with was the archetypal northern mid-50s working man, he was even called Dave. That is no word of a lie. I like him he’s a good man and I really enjoyed this conversation about a topic which we’ve all forgotten took over our lives six months ago before we moved onto the killer virus. It was painfully evident that despite society having an enormous hug we’ve still got a long way to go to build bridges and men like Dave are still as determined about their understanding of societies ills as snowflake millennials like me of their opposite.

I still can’t get over how much of the perfect box he fit in and genuinely I’m not saying that as a criticism. I think we all forget in our determination to be right and force our version of right on others that we may just be wrong. It is only in understanding that and that men like Dave are not the enemy but very much on the same team as us that we may actually remove those who have pillaged and offered such little genuine hope to people. Dave hasn’t created this shit show, neither have I although we both continue to allow it’s existence as we wag fingers at each other while having our pockets picked. We talk of this virus bringing us together as a society but if we don’t get over any of the other bullshit we’ll just as quickly become divided down old lines once more. It’ll take us all. If not the old order will have won once again.

Stress

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I think I’m suffering from a little stress. I won’t say what but I’ve been working on a little project recently and it should have it’s first day on Friday. There’s stuff still to arrange and what I have so far I don’t think is good enough. Humour me because I’m clearly not giving away any information. Anyway today I have been in the most ridiculous mood. I nearly lost my shit in the bank because I was trying to set something up and despite this thing being through the bank the two women had never heard of it. I wasn’t rude to them because what’s the point and also I must admit I forgot some of the information I was supposed to bring, internally though I was smashing the place up. I let it all out once back in the car. Genuinely I was quite surprised at how pissed off I was. What is obvious is that I was just angry with myself for being stupid and not bringing the necessary paperwork but even then I was surprised at the level of anger I felt even when I was fully aware it was against myself.

I’ll be the first to admit that in the last ten plus years I’ve only had a handful of stressful situations. I never found travelling difficult because there was always a solution. It’s situations in which I would be on show and could mess up that would be the worst. Exams for example. This thing starting on Friday though is important but not especially. I’m not even sure what I’m stressing about really or why I’m getting myself in such a state if it’s not stress. I just don’t know how people manage to deal with stressful situations. You hear about ways people manage it but I don’t really know my way. Maybe thats the problem, I lack a way. I once thought meditation would be good but I never stuck at it. People drink or smoke but probably best if I avoid that route. Maybe I just need to get a boxing bag and sweat it out, that could work, it’ll have a duel function too.

The strange thing is I can’t really describe what it is I really mean by my reaction or whether it’s stress. I don’t really get flustered and usually I manage to do what I need to do relatively straightforwardly but I’ve been on an rampage mode today all the same. It also hasn’t allowed me to actually focus and carry out the necessary tasks I needed to do even though I feel in my mind if I just sat down and focused on them I could bash it out. As I say this I wonder then if it is a case of using the energy, learning to harness it. This out of control monster is simply the result of out of control energy. I have the energy and the desire for the project but the mind lacks focus, the mind is not in control. Perhaps then my way will involve me learning how to manage the wild energy, is that the way though or is that finding a way to find a way. Circles again. I just need to find a harness for that dragon. Easy.

BJ Bojo In Big No No

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It appears our glorious leader has found himself stricken with virus. That came as quite a shock for many I imagine, I know it was for me. In my lifetime at least there has never been a moment in which our Prime Minister’s life has been on the line. Leaders don’t fight at the heads of armies any more, generally I’m of the persuasion they mostly don’t do much bar talk a lot though. It is utterly remarkable to think our own Prime Minister may die from this. It evoked a strange and surprising response in me actually; I felt a sadness that my leader was in danger. That is strange on many levels but mainly because I don’t see him as my leader and secondly because I don’t really see anyone or appreciate the concept of anyone being my leader. I thought I was above that. There was though definitely an emotive response within me and it shocked me, I was genuinely surprised I had these thoughts somewhere within.

You would not have heard me at 8pm though clapping on or for him. I haven’t been clapping for anyone actually. I do generally avoid these types of group activity for what I feel should be an obvious reason. For me to clap for Boris then would be no less hypocritical than someone who voted Tory clapping for an NHS nurse. Ultimately as a human being I hope he survives, my god the poor man must be terrified, but that doesn’t automatically make him a good man. While some may try to equate him to Churchill it mustn’t ever be forgotten he is partly responsible for the suffering of innocent people in this country, people have died because of the actions of his party and the votes he cast. The irony being that his life is now dependent upon the very service he has participated in stripping of it’s ability to operate these last ten years. Yet it survives.

When he first got ill I’m not afraid to admit that I didn’t believe it. There is still a part of me sceptical about this but I’m not sure how much I believe myself anymore. Apparently he is in intensive care but is still working and running the country; surely though either he is in intensive care or still working and running the country. It can’t be both. This is a government accused in the past of an horrendous lack of transparency and they’ve seemingly stuck to form in this moment when it’s completely unnecessary. For what reason do they feel they are unable to admit the true severity of his illness. I simply do not understand why it would be a problem. People are dying everywhere, the days of having a tough fighting leader are behind us, we don’t need him to wield an axe. It is perfectly okay for him to be sick but they’ve done everything they can to downplay his sickness. The country isn’t going to descend into the bad type of anarchy just because Boris Johnson is ill. Surely it would garner sympathy and with it support.

Anyway beyond the politics I wish him well. I will never gloat about the sickness and pain of others and I hope it hasn’t come across like that here. Come on then Big B you get better pal.

A Walk On The Beach

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I went on a walk to the beach yesterday. It was one of those walks that you feel you could just walk on and on with no consideration for returning. With every step you are adding an extra one for the return but you just want to continue. It helped that there was a wind pushing me from behind and persuading me to take the easy option of avoiding turning and facing it. Eventually you do just for curiosity and once around a spell is broken as you see how bloody far you must return.

The wind was blowing a layer of dusty sand over the compact wet post-tidal sand under foot and it appeared like I was walking upstream in a river. I lowered my hood and took off my hat so as to feel the true force of nature on my skin. In turn I eyed the sea, it’s infinite refreshing of anything attempting to remain unchanged. With that the stagnant air and weight I felt under, crushing me and my mind, the wind trying it’s best to blow off the shackles but it became clear the sea was only ever the master of all. On I walked in the direction of home.

As the end of the beach became clearer and my opportunity to discover a fresh new existence was running out, the once quiet argument within became louder with each step. To strip off and jump in or to stay clear of the elements and their liberation. Finally with little but rocks left the jacket was determinedly unzipped and the shoes and socks taken off. But in that moment some sense of fear took over, the decision was made to simply dip my feet and see how it felt. If ever this was a moment for why the best approach is always to just jump before you have time to think or feel it was now. On the other hand if ever there was a time to prove caution is the master it too was now.

When the sea is at it’s coldest I couldn’t tell you but with the summer suns yet to appear the winter chill still held sway over the icy cold. The water was no higher than my ankles before I turned in pain, the nerves on my feet sending crisis alarms to my brain and demanding I abort this folly. It is said a cold shower or a cold dip in the sea will extend your life but in that moment a swim may have been an abrupt finale. I turned and scampered to the sun. With that my feet tingled, the fire and ice that a freeze can bring. On came the socks, with laughter at myself and my own one man comedy show performed for nobody I scampered home and to the equally refreshing but infinitely more enjoyable warm shower, clean clothes and comfy sofa. Enough of these harsh elements, now it is time to grow soft as life determines it should be.

The Comfort Blanket Of Conspiracy

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Conspiracy theories are such a comfort. I was chatting with my Mum the other day and telling her how there is something about this whole Coronavirus pandemic that just makes me feel suspicious, there’s something not right and I can’t work out what it is. This unease could be attributed to numerous things but I have been putting it down to the fact that certain things just don’t make sense. I mentioned previously how we’re not looking at the whole picture in relation to statistics. The extraordinary numbers of deaths attributed to vehicles, alcohol, smoking and suicides which occur on a daily basis dwarf this virus yet they’re barely discussed with anything near the urgency we’re currently experiencing in the national dialogue. I also have a healthy distrust of my government, any government come to think of it, and the mainstream media which I have mentioned previously as well as implied regularly. With this in mind it is easy to see how I may be inclined to believe some of the ideas going around online about the real cause or nature of this pandemic. What dawned on me mid conversation though was that perhaps I couldn’t find something credible to pin this distrust upon because actually this virus has no underlying manipulator, it just exists, and it’s existence is uncontrollable.

So let me explain how that last point relates to the first. Conspiracy theories are a comfort because they make sense of events that ordinarily would bring uncontrolled confusion and danger to our lives. What I mean by that is that if we believe there are puppetmasters controlling the spread of this virus or controlling the media manipulation of a non-existent virus, we can find an entity that we know such as government, the deep state, the Chinese, et al and blame them. We may still be powerless, let’s be honest, but at the very least we know our enemy and once we know something it immediately becomes less scary. Ultimately the unknown plays an enormous part in most of if not all our fears, we are scared of what we don’t know because it could be dangerous, it is an instinctive animalistic response. If this virus is not being manipulated by someone it is uncontrollable, that makes it unknown and this version of the reality we create is far more fearful than the comforting one of deep state manipulation.

It is probably important to mention that I dislike the term conspiracy theory because it is used in a derogatory way to belittle an idea which runs contrary to the official story. I use it in this piece for the sake of understanding. It is as dangerous to dismiss all conspiracy theories as it is to accept all of them, or to accept all official theories. That should be obvious though. It should be obvious too that there are some official versions of events which are clearly untrue; think the assassination of JFK or the ludicrous attempts to pass off the hole filled story of the World Trade Centre attacks. There are also though the utterly bizarre such as that we live on a flat Earth or are ruled by a race of reptilian overlords. This last one is interesting because it is a perfect example of finding order within the disorder of existence; all these bad things that happen in this world are down to a race of evil reptiles, not because human beings are a complex irrational species capable of the unexpected and unacceptable.

This isn’t of course to say those with access to power are not going to take full advantage of this virus at any opportunity. We’ve already seen governments push through draconian security and spying legislation, rich party donors are lining their pockets all under the guise of saving lives, the wealthy traders are watching in glee as the economy crashes waiting for their opportunity pick at the carcass of once viable businesses. It is comforting to think all of this is controlled though because that is what we can understand. If it is controlled it is less likely to indiscriminately hurt us or our loved ones and it will have an end point. It is vitally important to indulge in a healthy amount of scepticism but at some point it may be worth throwing off the security blanket of conspiracies and seeing the world for the disorganised, irrational and unknown place it is. As is life.

A Daily Update

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I’ve been making pizza today. Lot’s of pizza. I have made them before from scratch and it is very satisfying going through the whole process from start to finish. Today though I did it in my friends bakery with all the machinery and stonebaked ovens to put a slightly different spin on proceedings. We made about twenty as well and delivered them to some friends in the village. Seemingly all the takeaways in the area have closed due to this virus which is probably not a bad idea but there would certainly be benefits to all involved in keeping them open. My friends bakery is still open because it is essential, people need their bread and pies.

There has always been something satisfying about cooking something like pizzas from beginning to end and there have been a few times I’ve cooked them in wood burning ovens which adds to the satisfaction as you’re standing in front of a roasting hot fire and sweating, and it’s intense, and you’re drinking beer, and you’re in full on adrenaline mode and you feel alive. Fuck that’s good fun. Especially when you’re cooking for a lot of people. I miss fires, I miss sitting around them, I miss cooking them, I miss sourcing wood, I miss my axe, I miss that moment when you realise the fire has taken, oh I just miss it. There is a lot to be said for normal existence and working a job and living in a house, it’s been an interesting experience which has taught me a lot, but how I would like to be back in my van, on the road and making a fire.

There’s no driving into nature in these moments and I’m pleased that is the case. People shouldn’t be leaving the city and potentially taking the virus out to rural communities which won’t be able to cope. The talk today was of a couple from London who had come up to stay in the holiday home for the weekend. The locals are not happy, I’ll be surprised if they’re not lynched before the end of tomorrow. They may need a new holiday home after this. People are quick to forget though. Once this all blows over they’ll just become another couple of outsiders spending money and their faces will blur in with everyone else’s. That’s how it works.

That’s the thing around these parts. Without the tourists I couldn’t imagine how much of a dump these little villages would be. They’re so insular but if you’ve got cash, well fuck it you’re my friend. It’s like that everywhere though lets be honest. I’m not sure how I got here. In life as much as in this piece. I was going to tell you all about the pizza fun I’ve been having but it’s been a long day and I’m already three beers deep since I got in, realised it was late and sat down to write this. That may explain a lot of things. Oh I wish I was at the edge of a lake somewhere, parked up in my van and sitting all cozy around a fire. But if I was doing all that then I wouldn’t have had the pleasure of making pizzas all day. We forget what we have when we desire everything else.

A Tall Tree In A Dark Forest

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I was lying in bed this morning feeling frustrated. I’ve not been sleeping as well as I usually do and that usual is to close my eyes and suddenly the alarm is going off nine hours later. I’m not sure why I’m not, but for whatever reason I find it understandably annoying. The frustration I suspect is like a wind that gives the fire oxygen but it’s a lack of something that’s the kindling.

I’ve led a reasonably interesting life so far, been to a few places and met many faces. I don’t really feel proud of it like it’s some accomplishment despite the positive response I get when I tell some people. There is certainly a lack of contentment and despite how it may appear I feel a constant drive to achieve things. I often see some of my friends or really successful famous people and I’m envious of their lives. They seem to have a success I don’t. Careers, homes, families and bank balances yet I’m thirty four and my instincts have rejected all of these things until now. In fact I still see the futility of some of them and I know the things they have sacrificed to achieve them, things I’m seemingly still unwilling to as I plan my next adventure. Can we adventure forever though? We can’t eat our memories, we can’t shelter under them and eventually we just become those repetitive old travellers others avoid because all they have is their stories. I don’t often tell my stories unless they come up as a relatable anecdote, I don’t want to be that person.

So why the frustration? I hope you don’t feel me to be self indulgent with this piece but it’s simply I know expressing thoughts like this can help others with their own thoughts. I’m not saying my thoughts are anything special but more that I’m not unique and we all suffer the same things just through different eyes. The frustration stems from a lack of something in life as I said. I’m not sure if it’s a home because I have one now and it’s great and safe but it’s not going to bring me happiness on it’s own. Maybe it’s a family? A wife and kids. Again I’m unsure of that, although I don’t doubt it would be nice to have a woman in my life. Perhaps it’s just wanting it all, or more precisely wanting an idea of how I imagine it’ll be.

I was thinking that for all the knowledge I’ve learnt over the years; meeting wise people, reading wise texts, experiencing moments of understanding; I still don’t seem to put much of this into practice in my own life. It would explain why it is still knowledge within and not wisdom. The only thing I’ve learnt is that unlike twenty five year old me I try to avoid giving wise enlightened advice or talking in that empty way people do when they think they know it all. I feel an immediate inclination to end the conversation, or I’ll carry it on but sometimes it just feels stupid. I know it can impress people, and you see people taking it in but it doesn’t feel real. Unless you start living it it’s just a series of empty words.

A series of desires about something we imagine we want and a series of empty words then. I know the rhetoric about contentment and desires but I’m not content and I still desire. I know the words that give the impression of a level of enlightened but I feel as far from enlightened as I’ve even been. This is the frustration then. Why what I know doesn’t correlate in any way to how I act. This is why I feel confident I can say this aloud and it will resonate with others, another thing I know is that others don’t act on what they know either. Perhaps it’s just part of being a fallible human. Perhaps we just need more than knowledge of words. This drive to achieve life, live it to whatever fullest version we choose. Again this is just an idea of a desire. I think I need to end this here because I can see myself going in circles. The answers aren’t attached to my tail. Maybe the answers aren’t attached to anything. Maybe there are no answers. Perhaps that’s what I’m missing, but what does that even mean? Just empty fucking words again.