BR#3 – Enemies

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I say book review but this is a play, and which it is a book, maybe I should call it Play Review or PR#1? Despite reading plays at school and studying drama it is only really in the last year I’ve discovered I really enjoy them. Obviously they’re different in how they share a story with the reader but without the descriptive part you take the time to enjoy the language of conversation and the scene set in this way. There is also the added bonus that you can read a play in a couple of hours and feel like you read a book in one day as opposed to one month which is extremely satisfying.

Enemies then is a play by the Russian playwright Maxim Gorky. It is set in 1905 just prior to the 1905 Revolution which was a precursor in a way to events in 1917. The early signs of later events are spread throughout the text, with the workers rebelling against the factory owners and the authoritarian response in return. This was a time of Tsarist oppression, as had always been but also of liberalisation of the country, or attempts at least. Gorky, who himself was involved in events in 1905, does a good job showing there to be little fundamental differences between the more dictatorial bosses and the ones who feign liberal ideals while continuing to depend upon the workers struggles for their vaulted positions. Plays can have a habit of lacking subtlety with characters as they have such a short time to get a message across and this play is no different. The bad guys are buffoons and the good attempting in vain to get across the message that change is on it’s way. Interestingly enough with the knowledge of hindsight, there is something eery in the premonitions about what is to come. This was written in 1906 after the 1905 Revolution was crushed but over ten years before the 1917 one succeeded and we all know what was to come afterwards.

Generally I’m a fanboy of Russian literature and plays, they seem to understand suffering in a way others can only guess at. While this is not grim, it is what it foretells that really makes you stand up and pay attention. You feel like you are watching through a window as the seeds of history are being planted. There is something admirable and courageous in it.

Interestingly enough the text I read was from a Royal Shakespeare Company performance from 1971 and quite remarkably looking at the cast list it included Helen Mirren, Patrick Stewart and Ben Kingsley. The seeds of revolution being planted by the seeds of future cinema. Quite unbelievable. To have been there and not known, can we ever at the time?

Off With Their Heads

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I want to talk about how the narrative being pushed is of the NHS as a sick patient needing put on life support. Struggling on it’s last legs, like an exhausted charity it needs donations from the public, twenty odd million from some old fella who walked around his garden a few times for example. Civil society in action once more, people being leant on to save the day. It’s the corona version of climate change, the people making all the changes; recycle to save the planet but don’t dare look into the corporations doing all that polluting and the governments complicit in their poisonous behaviour. Once more we as a people are stepping up when required, it’s amazing really because it shows what we can do when we have to. It also highlights how little our governments are fulfilling their end of the social contract we signed with them when we chose to vote and place them in power. Are they not supposed to use our tax payments to fund the NHS? It isn’t as if there isn’t the money available, vanity projects like the HS2 rail line and arms deals like the Trident nuclear submarines make this abundantly clear. The government spent twenty one million on consultants and advisers trying to find ways to save thirty billion in cuts to vital public services, such as the NHS. Let’s just say Captain Tom’s money can at least cover that. If they have the money when they want then, it must be safe to say this chronic underfunding, nay criminal underfunding; can only have been intentional.

But I won’t talk about that. I won’t talk about the lack of PPE for nurses and doctors, about how it appears that the government are either incompetent, which is alarming, negligent, which is alarming or they are intentionally acting in a way that is contrary to their public protestations, which is slightly reassuring because it means that everything is at least normal, and normal is safe remember. But I won’t talk about that either.

It’s not about being defeatist, I just can’t be bothered because if I did it would probably just end up in a little rant and that seems pointless. Also I always imagine this must be obvious to everyone and they know already and are either outraged or ignoring personal narrative conflicting information. Considering the media are doing such a blatant support act of the current government that even Piers Morgan has become a hero of the disillusioned masses, I probably shouldn’t make too many assumptions. It is a shit show really and it’s a frustrating one. There’s something within us that wants and believes those who commit wrongs unto others are in one way or another punished for it. Yet politicians and those lobbying politicians seem to not only walk free, but walk off with a disproportionate share of the pie. That is why if anything we don’t live in a rational world. Or maybe we do, maybe it is irrational to imagine things may change for the better and the delusion can end. All is random then and each day just unfolds with everyone scrambling around hoping they see it out and wake up in the next. And if that feels real now, dear lord just imagine what that’ll feel like when the revolution comes and people start chopping off each others heads. I know who I’ll be going for though and it won’t be my neighbour.

5k Challenge

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I may have just done something stupid. This whole doing exercise outside while it’s sunny thing has taken a hold of me and I agreed to go on a 5k run. Five thousand metres. Not something to be scoffed at. I managed three thousand last week but my knee started hurting at the end so I’m fearing the same may happen today. This time I suspect my rather unsympathetic friend may not pander to my excuses and the abuse will flow. While this is nothing new I am exposing myself enough that something is making me feel wary at the prospect of what’s to come.

But this is all part of this new healthy and energised human being I’m attempting to create. I am in my mid-30s now which is the usual time people have breakdowns and decide it’s time to exercise. And I thought I was unique. I even had a dream last night about eating too many of these pizzas we’re making and getting fat. It wasn’t exactly deep in the subconscious but that’s a fear I can’t deny to myself any longer. My belly was so fat, I can’t possible think how many pizzas I had been eating.

How much of this then is me being vain? I won’t deny there was an aesthetic element involved in the horror I felt at the enormity of my gut but I’m sure I had convinced myself previously it was all health related. The subconscious never lies though. Saying that we do start to become more aware of the aches and pains that once either didn’t exist or only existed for a short period. Now they feel like they never go away. The desire for life must be so strong in people who reach serious old age. My god everything must just hurt endlessly.

I’m supposed to be running in about half and hour and I feel so full of sandwich and the cup of tea I’m currently drinking. I’m going to do a little yoga as a warm up of sorts and crack on. I’ll report back when it’s all over.

Huh huh…huh huh…huh huh…collapse…

I was actually leading the way until about the three kilometre mark at which point I saw a waypoint in the distance and my body started to assume it was time to walk. I thought I felt a little wretch at four kilometres and by then my friend had caught up with me although saying that he had only been about five metres behind the whole time and I know that because I could hear him suffering too. We parted at the four kilometre mark and I struggled my way back and dragged myself over the finish line. It really was a battle of the mind. Having completed a few Vipassana courses in my time I can confirm the relation to meditation is an accurate one. My knees held strong though which was reassuring too. In short though; can taste blood. Tight muscles. Light head. Fucked.

The Minirig 3

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A few days ago I mentioned how some people seem to need constant music in the background and that while I enjoy music I have never had that necessity in life. I was always the person quite content with silence, it was even necessary when I needed to concentrate. Depending on your grasp of English you may have just noticed that last sentence was in the past tense. About four years ago, maybe three, I forget and life seems to blur a little as one ages, I was spending winter working a pretty gruelling job on a Christmas tree farm. I used to tell people I sold Christmas trees and they used to think it sounded thoroughly lovely which merely confirmed to me they had never spent thirty-five straight days standing around in the rain carrying trees for ten hours in the middle of the winter. But I digress. It was maybe the third year of doing it when one of my fellow masochists told me about a small portable speaker called the Minirig. They loved their drum and bass, were a regular festival goer, with knowledge, and this speaker was apparently the best you could get. Small, rechargeable, bluetooth which could connect enough together to be good enough for an actual gig. Fair enough I thought. I put it on my ‘to desire and maybe but probably not buy one day’. Well I only went and bloody bought it.

It’s an interesting purchase because I was trying to work out how I could justify it, like I said I don’t listen to music constantly and well my laptop and mobile are surprisingly loud. My justification was that it would come in handy for future travel. How much I misjudged the power of this speaker. Firstly it’s worth saying how beautiful it is, sleek black, stylish cylindrical, ideal size for my hand, aesthetically it just oozes quality. And then I started playing some songs and the moment it began I was just amazed, it was almost jaw dropping. The sound quality is just outstanding. I can not stress how good the sound quality is. Genuinely I can’t stop listening to music because the sound is just perfect. This is how music is supposed to sound. It has all sorts of technical specifications which mean nothing to me and I’m not going to bother sharing them here. Just believe me when I say it makes me smile when I look at it and realise that sound my ears can hear is coming from that little speaker. If anyone ever asks me about speakers I will only ever have one answer. There is no second option. I never thought an inanimate object could bring me such pleasure.

The Inquisitive Child

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It would be appealing in the moment to say an important lesson had been learnt today. In a way one was but perhaps not the obvious and straightforward one. You see, I did something silly. Although that’s one way of looking at it. The other is that today I discovered something new which makes it a great move all round. If you’ve been following this blog you’ll have heard me refer to all sorts of different jobs I do, one minute I’m working in a bakery, the next I’m renovating a house, and then I’m making pizzas; I may have mentioned others but I forget, anyway the point is that yesterday while stripping wallpaper in the flat next door I discovered a CD-ROM. For younger folk this is a something that was commonly used in a previous decade to put files on computers before we all got fast internet. It turns out putting random CDs into computers is not necessarily the best idea. My laptop stopped working and then wouldn’t load up properly. The lesson learnt then would be not to put random CDs into computers. It’s a bit like telling a curious child not to taste everything they see just incase it has a new exciting flavour.

In moments like this though I prefer to focus on the favourable positive elements of a story and the lessons learnt. Did I learn never to put random CDs into my laptop again? Well in a way yes, but seeing as I’m typing this now there must have been a happy ending. You see I managed to open up the back of my laptop, take out the drive and manually remove the CD. My computer then loaded up perfectly and seemingly all is back to normal. But it’s not normal because I have the added satisfaction of fixing a problem and of learning something new. Is that the lesson learnt? Well again kind of but that’s hardly a lesson in the metaphorical sense. My favourite type. So I learnt not to taste random things I find, but I didn’t really because I’ll probably taste them again. And that’s what’s important. The inquisitive mind should never be caged. Why would you not want to know what was hidden inside something random you find. I’ve found some cool stuff in my life. Maybe it’s a sign I lack contentment but that urge to discover that takes me on adventures to foreign lands also seems to make me see what’s on random CDs I find under old carpets. To recognise there is discovery in every little thing. Maybe understanding that leads to more contentment in a way. Who knows, except time. Time knows everything.

Forever the child tasting new discoveries. I hope that never changes.

The Collective Jogger

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It is simply a lovely day outside. What is the worst thing possible when days are like this? Not being able to answer the outside worlds call to come play of course. But we have been, we’ve all become crazy exercise freaks, running as if it’s something we’ve alway thought about doing. I’ve even seen more ‘rotund’ individuals out walking. The eternal question then is whether these people are now desperate to go outside because they can’t, because they’re used to more exercise than being stuck around the house allows or simply everyone else is and they want to get on it too.

Don’t underestimate the value of one person doing something because they heard everyone was and it was a good idea. We rarely acknowledge that we’re a herd animal, this solitary individual human is a twentieth century construct and it doesn’t seem to do us many favours as a whole. We see others then and think that we should join them otherwise we may be either missing out on something or may be left behind from lack of participation. Humans are the ultimate self-delusional bullshitters.

There is another idea though and that is whether this increase in collective energy and focus on a particular thing makes it easier for others to get involved. If someone has a strong energy it can be easier to follow them, equally to reject them, but what if it is similar with this running lark. There has been research over the years on the power of collective meditation, one example directly related a group meditation in one city which coincided with a drop in crime during the same time period. What if somehow this focus on exercise is sweeping others up and making it easier for them to get involved in something they wouldn’t ordinarily. Can we sense the collective as much as we can see it running past our windows looking all healthy and happy? I wouldn’t dismiss it too quickly, there’s undoubtedly a lot out there that we don’t know and don’t understand. To dismiss without much thought or simply because we don’t understand is as foolish as to accept blindly.

But will all this last of course? Does a collective energy continue on an upward trajectory or will the collective focus change to something else once we unlock the doors of our quarantined purgatory. Once the days are taken up with the daily monotony of previous existences, of work, will we forget about our newfound love of the outdoors and of running trainers. Let’s be honest probably to a degree. I hope people at least remember how much fun they had when forced to spend time with themselves and a few realised a little about themselves. Maybe some won’t return to those previous jobs. Perhaps this is why they’re desperate to rush us all back to work; suddenly it becomes clear there is more to life than some dire job that takes up all our time and gives us barely enough to survive on in return. It turns out there are other ways of existing after all. Oh to go barefoot once more.

The Woes Of Newly Morning People

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My alarm went off at 6.30am today. I did this out of choice. I had the wonderful idea about thirty hours ago that I would become a morning person. This isn’t a new thing, it has been attempted before and judging by this being a new shot the previous ones evidently didn’t go to plan. Quite often the issue lies with my inability to go to bed early enough and is coupled with my need for a good eight hours, ideally nine. If I’m to wake at six, at the height of the summer I would be going to sleep while it was still light outside. Lets be honest that’s unlikely to happen.

One reason I have struggled to sleep earlier is my inability to switch off the technology before sleep. There are various stories out in the ether about how we should switch off phones at least an hour before sleep, or we should dim the lights so we have evening sensitive light but for me the issue lies with the fact it’s too easy to just stare at the phone in a trance when tired. Were you to be reading a book you may need to think a bit more, would get tired and sleep, but the internet is made up of short simple articles and pictures, include it’s ability to hypnotise you and the spell isn’t broken without force of some kind.

Last night though I slept at about midnight, about an hour later than planned but earlier than it could have been and has been. I crawled out of bed half an hour later than the alarm but managed to do some yoga and drink a cup of tea before starting work at 8am, a whole hour early. Today has been completely non stop and while I didn’t get all the things I wanted to do done it wasn’t down to idleness and wasting time which makes it in a funny way acceptable. However I’m still awake and it’s already gone 11pm.

I have probably averaged six to seven hours of sleep per night these last two weeks and I am tired. I’ve only had one morning of being a morning person yet I’m struggling to see myself getting up as early tomorrow and the original plan was 6am the second day. It’s the late nights, and it’s not even that late but it is for an early morning person. It can be so hard to change habits at the best of times but when that change of habit gives you bags under your eyes then you are really making it hard on yourself.

I know I’m not alone in this world though. There are plenty of fellow reprobates out there who have attempted all sorts of things but have been too open to temptation and given up after a few days. Even those disgustingly well groomed, healthy and happy people surely must give in to temptation from time to time and not just the temptation to be perfect. As I say this it makes me feel so pleased to be fallible and to accept my fallibility. If I don’t manage this then so be it, I’ll try again or I’ll try something else. But I’ll try. I’ve had the determined focus of someone capable of achieving things these last two days. I wonder if he’ll be around tomorrow too. He might just need to set the alarm a little later though. A semi-morning person perhaps.

An Unknown Transition Into The Unknown

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I’m not someone who feels the need to play music all the time. I enjoy silence. I enjoy podcasts. I enjoy music. But a balance between them is vital, as is my mood on their regularity. I have been listening to some music for the last half hour while I was online and avoiding writing this. When I see people listening to music and being able to study, read or write, basically concentrate, I have often wished this was something I was capable of. The words coming on this page would be inspired by the sounds around me but I can’t focus and not even one word follows.

I was listening to some dub and desiring a party or a festival. These last few years have been an interesting transition in life. Everyone goes though different chapters in their lives, even if they marry at 18, never divorce, never leave their home town and keep the same job, there will still be chapters within this. Mine have been slightly more adventurous and I can recognise periods when I wanted nothing but travel and others when I felt a need to rest for example. It took about five years from my first desires for rest to get to were I am now but life is all so extreme that I’m still longing for adventure equally alongside some kind of ‘normal’ existence. ‘Normal’ is a strange and inexplicable concept, which is why I won’t even try explaining what I mean by it and I know my version of it will still be a long way from the man with many chapters in the same town above. But fuck, right now having listened to a little music and recollected a few memories, there is a part of me that wants to put down the ‘normal’ so much and pick up the alternate once more.

I have also come to appreciate this life though recently and value the people living it far more than I ever did at the height of being a prick in my more adventurous moments. I’ve come to realise there is as much value in this existence as one lived with daily excitement and variety, it’s different value but it’s still value regardless, as it too is exciting and varied regardless. That doesn’t stop me wanting to drop it all and jump on a boat heading somewhere wild and exotic though but I doubt that will ever leave me. Equally this current existence is an extreme in the other direction as I know the ideal will be somewhere in the middle. I only meant to come here for a few months to help a mate out and it’s been nearly six months. He’s taking great pleasure in reminding me a few more months and I’ll have broken my longest job record. With this pizza takeaway now being a thing and coronavirus being an even bigger thing it seems I may still be sitting in this same seat in four months trying to understand what the drink in my hand represents.

Is this now life? Well it’s the current version and I’m starting to learn enough from it that interesting things happen when we roll with whatever comes up. In a way that’s a freedom more real than any enforced search for a liberty that ultimately becomes constrictive. There are always things out of our control which make us jump between paths, enduring the grey transitional space between, but once we’re actually on it; life never really seems all that bad. Quite often the opposite. It has become clear to me recently that we’re owed nothing, their is no destiny, that desires will never happen if we wait for them to and ideas of fairness miss the harsh unknown nature of life. It is an irrational and absurd world. Nothing bad has happened but seemingly I’ve managed to understand the knowledge I previously had and it all seems to make a little more sense. This is why discipline is necessary. Why being able to focus the energy to achieve the goal is the only way we can really get things done. Why I’m curious, excited and unsure about what comes next. It’s a little unknown. But then everything always has been.

The Big D Show

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Donald Trump is great. Well he’s not, he’s awful, but his press conferences certainly are. I skimmed through last nights reality television take on politics and regretted the fact it was so late and I couldn’t just sit there and watch the full film length episode in it’s entirety. In fact I think there may be another one on tonight but in about ten minutes as I write these exact words which means by the time I write the last words I’ll have probably missed the first half hour. To describe it as a car crash does a disservice to similes. It is more of a motorway pileup and one that despite being on an incredibly serious, life and death topic, is gleefully compelling viewing. My favourite bit is when he does the slightly camp pointing gesture with his podgy little hands while describing the recipient as a disgrace and describing their question as disgraceful in turn. I wonder what adjective he’ll use tonight. Shameless would be great and not just because he would undoubtedly miss the irony in the accusation. He spends over an hour blindly arguing with reporters. Even as I write this now, I’m unsure if I imagined it. Even Boris Johnson’s buffoonery cannot compete.

I think to all discerning people it is pretty clear Trump is a charlatan. He is a renowned conman who made his name in what has gone down as the tackiest decade for businessmen, think of the yuppie if you’re in any doubt. He runs the country as if he’s head of a mafia family demanding people recognise his absolute authority. Again missing the point that those with absolute authorities very rarely have to tell people of it, especially while arguing with reporters. What is clear from watching these reality shows he’s currently staring in is that he’s not used to people challenging him and he can’t deal with it when they do, especially when god forbid a woman does it. The man manages to both maintain his composure and have a breakdown all in the same moment, repeatedly. A well known Pseudoephedrine dependency, yes that would be a large component of amphetamines, perhaps makes it more explicable but never forgivable, although certainly more entertaining.

But that’s it isn’t it. The man is such unadulterated entertainment and you know I can admit I’ll miss him a little when he’s gone. I don’t get caught up on hating him and ranting about him like many do but let’s be honest he’s not a cause of the worlds ills he’s merely a symptom. The same system that brought us Barack Obama also brought Donald Trump. By getting caught up in this obsession with identity all we do is fail to realise he is there to distract us, he’s the ultimate magician. Don’t look at the hand he’s waving around, it’s the other one down his side you need to keep an eye on. Puff, a cloud of smoke, and out steps his challenger but it’s pretty clear Joe Biden is never going to defeat him in an election. When they go head to head in a debate The Donald is going to annihilate him and no matter how badly he handles this virus nothing will change that. The Democrats seem to be more interested in having one of their own run than anyone who could actual defeat him and enact change. They seem intent on mirroring the British Labour party who prefer to sabotage their own elections than allow an actual left winger to get into power and change things. Get rid of Big D and you’ll change the face, certainly the soundbite but not the politics. Don’t be naive. Without him what are we going to feel self-righteous about then. And who else can hold a room in the most abhorrent and compelling way that keeps us coming back for more and more and more. Speaking of which, I can probably catch the second half if I hurry.

The Pickaxe Of Liberty

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Go on admit it you’re all desperate for a holiday. But then maybe you feel like you’re having one already. As I am still working I’m very envious of everybody sitting around, reading, studying and exercising. There is every chance I’m simply envious of the idea that this is what people are doing because while everyone may be taking photos of themselves doing these things, or videos of themselves being creative and inspiring, there’s also a good chance they’re currently lying on the sofa watching something on Netflix about tigers. Sorry that was two weeks ago, I’m so behind the times I wonder what the current obsession is. Are people getting bored though. Are those still sober dreaming of going back to their jobs because they’ve realised they’re not carpenters, painters or musicians and that actually they don’t really enjoy reading books as much as they thought and told everyone they would. I’ve admitted already I’m envious but I am also aware that I have spent large chunks of my life travelling and doing all these fun things but in random places. I’m well practised at not getting bored. Having spent time in the countryside I’m also well practised at not seeing people for a couple of weeks. So I’m envious but also aware that I’ve experienced a few lockdowns already in my life.

It is though arguably a social experiment that will define this period of history. I’m not trying to trivialise this very serious situation but that doesn’t make it anything other than a future treasure trove of theories for researchers. I’m not a researcher, but I enjoy observing, and I’m already really looking forward to seeing what conclusions the researchers come to. I’m not an optimist in the traditional sense, I’m no Pangloss and this is certainly not the best of all possible worlds. I don’t believe in the idea of being constantly positive and happy because it is balance we need in life. However, there is always a possibility to find something positive in any situation no matter how bad, and while it doesn’t have to outweigh the bad, there is no reason for us not to enjoy and embrace it’s existence. Who knows maybe we will even use it as a pickaxe to help us climb out of our hole. For this reason we will find something to celebrate in all of everything that is going on. Researchers will discover some terrible results, the media will fill us with dread and fear, while politicians will continue to chip away at the last scraps of our self-determination. They will also discover incredibly positive results, there will be happy stories told and, actually maybe I’m pushing it a little far by including the latter group.

In a way though none of this will mean anything, not really. We may enjoy discovering these moments of positivity but unless they exist in our immediate realm they’re more than likely to just pass on through. What will leave us with any lasting sense of light though will be what we can see in our own lives, in our immediate situations. What little events are happening right now that could snowball into something resembling that pickaxe. What are we experiencing that if we manage to step back from for a second we can recognise as bringing some kind of benefit to our lives. As I said it doesn’t have to outweigh the other stuff going on, but even if it is just one percent of everything going on in your life it is infinitely more important than the other ninety-nine. It’s there. It’s always there if you manage to look.